86 - A God, Modifying

Lin

Today I had quite a late start.

I ended up waking up at about quarter past 1 in the afternoon because I struggled to get to sleep.

Surprisingly though, I slept really well when I managed to drift off.

Though I did have a very interesting dream.

I remember seeing that I was sharing a space with some of my primary and secondary school friends, but also bin boy.

He deliberately made a point of trying to antagonise me, and when he'd had enough, tried to make a spectacle of having everyone in one space to hear him berate me.

And whilst I did tell him to piss off, he already knew he was angering me. I politely reminded him not to anger me any further. 

What happened next was great.

Instead of giving him any attention, me and my friends got onto trying to solve the maths problem that everyone else was focused on anyway.

And yeah sure, I got it wrong. But they included me, and it meant that we were essentially acting as though he didn't exist.

As a result of that, his attempt to humiliate me in front of my friends not only failed, but he also got totally ostracised.

It's weird, because I initially thought that everyone was on his side, but that turned out to be untrue. Now that I see it, I think he had wanted to be my friend at a time when I knew well that it was dangerous to interact with him in the first place. And it turned out to be a self fulfilling prophecy.

I can say wholeheartedly that I manifested at least part of that as a result of my fear, and the idea that my godliness would separate me from other people.

That belief that "To be a God is to be alone," is not true at all, and I of all people should know that, and take accountability for how it's shaped my life up until this point.

The entire point of being a God is to be a cornerstone for a community, or multiple communities, as well as have other people support us through being cornerstones themselves.

Sure, we're tight knit, but we are, by nature, communities who make up a larger community, helping even larger communities get by or better.

Our existences as Gods, as moderators on the Sim, are supposed to be at least partially devoted to helping people heal.

This Sim was never supposed to be permanent.

All of this is stuff that I was never meant to do alone - I'm meant to have family and friends around me to help repair everything that's been broken.

Not to mention clean up rickmansworth's mess, because he sure as hell isn't going to do it.

It all comes back to the idea of me being burdensome and the idea of me not deserving the finer things in life as a result of being badly spiritually targetted by incredibly jealous people who don't see the responsibility behind my many roles.

With great power comes great responsibility. I am no different. But also, with great power comes the necessity of taking especially good care of yourself, and self preservation in times of self need. And that is not a thing to be negotiating with.

Essentially, I need to make sure that my own cup is full before fulfilling things to do with anyone else's cups.

Because ya, I am that important, and I deserve to be able to shop at Whole Foods, and buy organic ice cream whenever I fucking well like, bin boy.

He can grow the fuck up.

I do wonder if a lot of the jealousy I've been subject to has been as a result of having to have people around me to help me all the time, to fulfil the quota for support for my diagnosis, despite me looking reasonably able in most people's eyes.

It would make sense. A lot of people looked at me that way in secondary school because I was very much the sort who could hold my own in most classes and got fairly good grades.

Most people didn't see me struggling to concentrate, or breakdowns in the corridor or in inclusion because the bullying had gotten out of hand.

A lot of people who thought they knew me never really got the opportunity to see my struggle at that time. Perhaps I should see this as bin boy being no different, except with a touch of narcissism.

I don't think I need to mention the added weight of how the voldys treated me, as that's a given anyway.

And they mostly invalidated my experiences aside from the ones that they could somehow use to preen themselves socially, so they weren't any help either. If anything, they brought me to this point.

Sure, I kept some of their beliefs, and that is my fault. So, I'm going to do what I can to change them.

Rhiannon walks in, smiling.

You're going to meet some new friends soon.

I stare at the pictures she's laid down on the coffee table for me, and I almost feel like crying.

Diolch.

She takes a seat next to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling the throw blanket over me.

Wrth gwrs.

She stacks the photographs together and lays them on the other side table by the sofa.

Nyx and Erebus have been fed, so you're all good for now.

Mannanán pokes his head out of the kitchen.

I made mac and cheese. Ye want some?

Myself and Rhiannon exchange looks, grinning.

Sure.