110 - A God, On Holiday

Lin

Last night was special.

It also knocked the wind out of me.

The ceremonials I went into, it seems, now have me pay the price.

For me, it is unwise to say much more than that I drew upon a unique power.

Brigid is now having me rest, as I woke up today experiencing an abnormal amount of exhaustion.

Literally everyone is insistent that I rest, especially spiritually, which is easier said than done for me.

What I do know now is that I've been experiencing a prolonged spiritual crisis.

Essentially, I've had a few spiritual emergences along the way, and because I haven't really had anyone to guide me along to help me make my experience as comfortable as possible, it has come to a point where my situation has become difficult.

Now I genuinely have no clue how to turn off spiritually because everything I do is intrinsically linked, somehow, to my spirituality.

I can't help but wander off and do things in the spiritual realms. It's almost like my life here and my life there all blend into one unceremonious hue of indistinguishable colour.

There are so many things I want to do, but it seems like I'm being told to just take a break.

It's harder than it sounds.

Aye, it can be.

Brigid takes a seat next to me in the cinema room.

How do I switch off? I overanalyse everything. 

She sighs.

It's about concentration, lad. Though I say this, and you have issues with that, including potential ADHD, as well as a PDD diagnosis, so this may be more of a challenge than fer other people.

My best advice to ye would be to take an extended break from any of yer spiritual business, no matter how many ideas ye have. That way, you're not having to think about fulfilling anything. It's also probably within yer best interest to put yerself as 'on hiatus' on YouTube fer now.

I nod. It's good advice that, whilst I don't want to take, I'll be happy with the results of taking. So, I just went and did both things. I was considering also telling my Instagram I wouldn't be online, but given the amount of time it's been since I last posted, I don't think there's much point.

Go raibh maith agat, cousin.

She smiles and offers me a hug, which I reciprocate willingly.

Of course. Ye deserve to be loved and appreciated whether you're making things or not, or doing things or not. If you're not doing anything for an extended period of time, that should be considered as a sign that you need help, as opposed to something to shame ye about. 

I know the voldys said a lot of disgusting shit, as did a lot of yer primary school teachers. It was all manipulation to try to make ye 'easier to handle', as far as I'm concerned. Ye didn't need handling, ye needed gentle guidance, and to not have been kidnapped in the first place.

Again, she's right. A lot of my needs weren't met before, and so as a result, I've learned to forsake my own needs for the comfort of others. Whether that was for people I considered my family, my friends, peers, authority figures, support workers or neighbours, often I have put other people's needs before my own, because my needs never truly were met fully. The very small amount that were had been considered to be all the needs I had.

To put it simply, I have effectively been chronically starved of my needs in their entirety all my life, and I have learned that it is the way things should be for me. Except for the part where it's all a lie.

Aye. Ye've had a lot of things kept out of reach from ye in an attempt to get ye to beg for it. Utterly despicable behaviour. 

She turns to the doorway leading to the kitchen, peering into the translucent gloom.

I think your mother wants to see ye.

As she leaves, she takes my hands in hers for a moment.

Remember lad, ye deserve to have your needs met, no matter who says otherwise, and no matter what ye've been taught.

I nod, and she leaves me with my Maman.

I feel myself welling up yet again, and she frowns.

Ma mor...

I can't help it.

Mammig!

I find myself almost barreling into her arms before she steadies me to a halt, and lovingly puts said arms around me.

I missed you too, Vi.

As I sob, she strokes my hair.

Epona?

A pretty blonde girl, whose every step is followed by white blossoms, stops in the kitchen doorway. I recognise her through my tears to be Olwen, another Welsh cousin of mine. She quickly judges the scene before her to be personal, and takes her leave.

I'll come back later.

Maman just nods, continuing to run her hands through my hair. We stay like that for a long time.

Mama?

She partially draws back from the hug, but only enough so that she can see my face.

Ya, my darling?

What do I do now?

Sighing, she rubs my shoulders, giving me a small smile, with both rue and joy behind it.

What else is there to do but be, ma kared?

She pulls me back into the hug.

You're safe to be now, Tavi. You don't have to run away, or isolate yourself any more, nor break your back to attempt to get along with everyone with the excuse of allowing them to fulfil their needs. Now, it's about you having your needs fulfilled. So try not to feel ashamed, or the need to pay us back. This is for everything you've already done. 

Just be, for today.

The tears flow freely now, and I find myself trying to thank her. It comes out as a hiccuping mess, and she rubs my back to calm me down.

I'm your mother. There's no need to thank me.

I find myself breathing in and out slowly, deeply. As I do, she releases the hug.

Do you want dessert?

I grin, nodding. She mirrors my facial expression.

Then let's do it.