233 - A God, Chanting

Lin

Earlier, I slept quite a bit after listening to a meditation with Sekhmet.

Then, I dreamed of her.

I couldn't help but feel drawn to this ring that I knew belonged to her - and when I held it in my hand, I cried.

All of the emotions I connected to on that level were overwhelming.

Her other devotees seemed to initially not want me to have the ring, but I feel, somehow, that Sekhmet insisted that I have it.

For me, it feels like a gift from her to me.

Somehow, I know she'll help me.

Perhaps I don't know how yet, but I know she will - and maybe that's all that matters.

My faith, up until this point, had been hugely tested.

Now, it seems, I am seeing fellow Gods everywhere.

Gods such as Kali have been showing up for me as well.

Well, I was looking for banishing things. That probably has something to do with it.

Emotionally, today has been rather taxing.

I've been trying my best despite my fears, but I've felt stagnant recently. This ghost's presence has made it far worse.

In my search for banishing tools that work, I have found quite a few Hindu sources of comfort, if only temporary.

My hope is that they will be strong enough to dispense of that shithead and his lowlife friends once and for all.

Perchance, I have been afraid - too much - of the past abuse I've experienced.

If everything and everyone to an extent is me pushed out, and I'm Head God, perhaps I need more neutrality in my life.

Given that I'm a part of manifesting all of this, it's possible that there's something about my abuse that I haven't healed.

Frankly, what have I healed?

I know that there are definitely some behaviours that are intolerable to me now, but I think this is more than that.

Admittedly, I think this is about forgiveness.

Now, I have no intention of forgiving my abusers, or their actions - that's for me to decide.

But it's about time that I forgave myself.

I haven't wanted to say it, but I've often felt weak as a result of the consistent abuse I've faced throughout my life.

That powerlessness has probably prevented me from getting what I deserve.

All of the bullshit with the voldys, starry pants, Ali and his goons, world, Maybury, Liv, Megan... After all of that, even though I have survived, I can't help but feel somewhat broken.

I always wanted to be able to escape - to be free, to do everything I wanted to do. But when I was faced with that opportunity, I got scared of punishment again.

For that, I punished myself, and I let it eat away at me, and at my life.

And, I feel, it may have also fed into my eating disorder.

Because I always had to consider myself as strong, or I was pathetic.

Which the voldys liked to call me a lot.

Yet they were saying this to a child.

How much bullshit that they said to me, that they did to me, did I internalise as a result of the horrors they put me through?

Ali's behaviour is merely a secondary factor in all of this, that just so happens to remind me of my abusers.

And what did I do when I was being abused? I avoided my abusers like the plague, whenever possible.

So no wonder I've been holing up in my room this whole time - I've been avoiding the triggers as best as I can.

Even when he hasn't been here. And every time, just as I begin to feel secure, he returns, like a parasite.

How do I break this cycle? Because I sure as hell don't know how.

Maybe this is something I should read for.

Terrence wraps his arms around me, gently tugging at me.

I want to take you somewhere.

It might take your mind off of things.

Unless you want to talk before we go?

I pause, ruminating my options.

Can we talk?

Sur, lovely.

He takes a seat, winding his arms around me again, making us both comfortable.

Talk to me.

I realised something about how I've felt about things going on in my life, especially when they've gone wrong.

Often, I wish someone would come and save me from everything. But I was taught that if I needed help in the first place, that I was weak, dependent and stupid.

Yet if I didn't accept the help, I was hardheaded, irresponsible, and still stupid.

That was what the voldys taught me about myself, and how capable I was on my own, and I know it's wrong, but I can't help but fear that maybe I've become the very thing I was trying to avoid being.

A burden.

I can tell he's seething. He strokes my head, probably in an effort to calm his anger, and to soothe my tears, which are now falling freely.

I hate what this abuse has made me, Terrence. I feel useless.

He holds me with such love that I feel like I might burst.

You're Head God. You're useful, which is the opposite of useless. You have the ability to do things that no one else on Sim can do. That's why you're here. And if anyone dares try to dispute that, I'll be the first to cut off their head. Mat eo din?

Dabbing my face gently, he leaves a trail of kisses down the side of my face, which makes me smile. That seems to somewhat placate his indignation.

Trugarez.

He kisses my forehead, then my lips, and beams.

Atav. 

Do you want to go now?

I nod.

Sur.

*******

Terrence

Taking Lin by the hand, I smile as we walk through the gates.

Wait, where are we?

Somewhere you've never been before.

La Conservatoire Botanique National de Brest.

Their face lights up.

I haven't been to a conservatory in ages, let alone a botanical garden! 

I want Lin to have good memories of this place, especially since their memories of Kew are definitely far from pleasant.

I know a spot that I think you'll like. But first, do you want to see anything?

Most of these plants are endangered, right?

I nod. I'm pretty sure I know what they're going to say.

Then save the spot until last. I want to see everything.

Throughout our time in the Conservatoire, Lin's face is alight with wonder. At one point, they stop at the limonium hubile.

It's pretty. I can sense the fey magic coming off of it, too.

Lax flowered sea lavender.

No wonder they like it - they're a selkie! As for the fey magic, I can see it too, but Lin noticed first, so I'll give them that one.

Fey charmed, too. That's rare.

We continue, floating from rare hibiscus to rare geranium through to other plants I couldn't even dream of naming, before we reach the spot I was telling Lin about.

Ya, I thought you might like it.

Ahead of us stretches a large pond, surrounded by none other than magnolia trees. In front of me, Lin's giddy with excitement.

For me?

I grin at Lin's enthusiasm.

Yeah, for you!

Their face brightens, and for a minute, they wrap me in a hug that I was far from prepared for. I chuckle, ruffling their hair.

Something that's strong and gorgeous.

Just like you.

Their face turns an adorable shade of pink, and I smicker.

What? It's true!

They tug at my collar. Pulling me forward, I realise that I can perceive the entire timeline's worth of our love in their eyes.

Trugarez.

Leaning in closer, they smile.

What's this?

Saying thank you.

My face is burning, and they giggle, before giving me a kiss that could rock the multiverse. And I hold them, smiling, knowing that no matter what happens, I'll always love and protect Lin. I'll always honour them. 

Even if that means looking like a fool.

Even if that means getting my hands dirty.

I'll do it, if it's for Lin.