God In The Gloam

Lin I dreamed I had returned to my abusers last night. Everything looked too sunny, too good to be true. If I'm honest, I was waiting for the shine to wear off. It didn't, but I didn't stay asleep long enough to find out. But I do remember something, that I felt between the states of sleeping and waking. Something happened on the 4th of September. I was in someone else's car in handcuffs, driving down a flyover. I don't know what happened, but whatever happened, it wasn't good. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't supposed to remember that, but I did. I'm a God of Time. No matter how hard you try, you can't take away my memory. That whole dream was a circus show. I was even thinking about when one of the patriarchs of the family died, as apparently that's how long I hadn't seen them for. I didn't go to his funeral though, which means that something must have happened that I don't remember. This is what's annoying about being in a sys...

Lin Today is Mars Retrograde, apparently. It would explain why I've been feeling so tired recently. Retrograde shadow periods suck if you don't know they're there. I have a sale on Etsy starting today, which I'm also really excited about, as I might actually get sales. We all live in hope. Today, tomorrow and Tuesday, I'm going to do a load of Halloween stuff. Probably watch some horror or Halloween themed material, to get myself in the mood. A New Year is coming. I've always enjoyed Samhain. It feels like a cleaning, a gift of a new lease of life among everything else that sleeps. Whilst the majority's eyes shut, mine open. I might even break out the Chouchen, given how much I have to celebrate this month. First my freeversary, then both Halloween and Samhain. Día de Los Muertos isn't that far off either, and the veil shuts on Guy Fawkes Night, when I watch the next Pay Per View wrestling show with my neighbour. There's a lot to have fun with. As th...

Lin I decided to sleep for most of today. (Hence the lateness of this blog post.) I slept for a lot longer than I would have liked, but hey. Sleeping Beauty, or Princess Aurora, seems to really be a theme with regards to me, my true appearance and my trauma.  If you think about it this way, the original faery tale has Sleeping Beauty get sexually assaulted in her sleep, so in truth, it's not that far off. The wrestling last night was good, though I miss Sheamus. (I'm happy that he's taking time off to get married, though. He deserves it.) Myself and my nice neighbour spent some time together earlier than I usually turn up, as he'd just been out, so I got to have more of a full conversation with him. It was nice. We spoke about a few things, including how a lot of my spells in my Etsy shop worked with regards to who I called upon and how reliable their word was, among other things. It makes me happy that he was genuinely interested in how it works, that someone was inter...

Lin It's amazing how much can happen in one day. Things like luck seem precarious, and subject to change. I seem to have simultaneously gotten lucky and unlucky. I suppose I should start with the bad news. My rent arrears have gotten to over £3000, and unless I get that sorted, like today, my housing association very well might kick me out. In truth, it is partly Starry Pants' fault, and partly Housing Benefit's fault, so I'll have to pull that up with Housing Benefit. My caseworker knows, so I'm pretty sure that at some point, we can work on that. We'll see what they say, as I just asked for help with Housing Benefit. And the good news? Well, I got my first sale on Etsy today. Sure, maybe it didn't go through the way I wanted it to, but it made me happy. I look forward to getting more customers, and potentially, more money. As I should. Today, I might be able to take a bath, if my clothes and towel dry (Gods willing), and as I'll have the wrestling to e...

Lin Today feels like a good day to crawl into a hole and hide. The UC worker's words about my hygiene still ring in my head. It's not like I've had a choice. I only managed to do the laundry yesterday, so given how much time I would have had to get ready until I needed to be there, a shower or bath wouldn't have been on the cards, especially given that I also need to eat. Yes, I'm struggling. This is why I've been unemployed for years. I'm not avoiding work, I'm just in no shape to work in the first place. I'll try not to let it affect me too much. After all, she was saying it in an attempt to help. (It didn't.) I have bigger fish to fry. Yesterday, I spoke to my caseworker about the stuff to do with bin boy, and it sounds like I'm being taken seriously. As I should be. He's a danger to multiple people. I also met another version of myself in system, who took on most of the ABA trauma. Eleiya is much louder than me, I think. Then again, I...

Lin I did a lot yesterday. I spoke to my caseworker about what bin boy did, as well as speaking to my new Galop advocate over the phone. My week seems to be filled to the brim. I still need to fit in laundry and a shower. I'm much more relaxed than I have been in a long time. Whilst I don't remember a great deal of what happened to me with regards to nopeman, I know it happened, given my reaction to telling someone about it. My body went right to relief central. I was pulled up on some of this, and those who did pull me up on the situation had a point. But I can't rightfully let that lout walk around knowing that he's capable of ignoring his neighbour being raped, let alone profiting off of it. It would also explain the sexual comments he made about me and my other neighbour, which again, are entirely baseless. I'm seeing my caseworker again today, to find some places so that I can get out of here. Honestly, it's about time. I'm excited. I'm hoping to mo...

Lin I told my caseworker everything. It was such a relief to no longer carry the burden of bin boy, nopeman and what the cult did to me. They will all go down one by one. They believe me, I think. They certainly seemed to want to get it sorted, so at some point, I will flag it with the police, and make a statement. Anyone who has wronged me that I can charge legally had better watch their backs. I'll try and do the laundry today. Now that a housemate mediation is pretty much off the table for me, given that bin boy could still potentially be a danger to me, and I did point out that he was trying to get me evicted, I think that my Wednesday will be free. For now, at least. I'm excited. If I do laundry, I can take a bath for the first time in ages. I weirdly feel much less panicky now after having seen my caseworker. It is a huge relief, to be honest. I'm doing all of this in good faith now, to protect those around me who may also be unsafe. That's part of my job as a God...

Lin I'm struggling to find words today. There's a lot of maintenance work I need to do on myself. The rhetoric that the UC worker gave me last Friday about me not taking care of myself, whilst true, remains as abrasive as ever. I admit, I'm having difficulties with the very thought of doing any of it, given that as it stood, I wasn't ready to go to hospital, or speak to doctors about my problem.  This is bin boy's fault. But I won't dwell on him today, because I know I'm a better person than him, and I'll be reporting his heinous shit tomorrow. He'll be facing a prison cell, mark my words. Besides that, I'm actually in a fairly good mood. Halloween's nearly here, and I have an eventful November to look forward to. If I can sort myself out in time and get into a routine, it may become easier for me to move out. I need to change my energy frequency for sure. I'm excited. Two concerts and a music industry event with other musicians that I...

Lin Last night my mood significantly improved. I did say that watching the wrestling calms me down. Talking to my neighbour was a relief, too. We had a zoot or two between us as well, which was much more pleasant than my previous experiences. I'm much less uptight when I'm with him. I think I will report bin boy on Monday or Tuesday. Because of nopeman, I initially didn't want to even mention my experiences, but now I think I should. You wrongly accuse me of violence, I'll expose all of the skeletons in your closet. I feel weirdly empowered, and somehow, safe. Or at least, safer than I was. More productive, too. I managed to build my clothes rack last night as well, so I'll do the washing later today. I'm excited about doing the laundry, honestly. It'll mean that I can shower. So long as I don't do lots of washing, I'll probably be able to clean without feeling spent. Things really are improving. If I stay at this level, I think I'll be out of he...

Lin I wish I could get out of here. Like, today. My mental state has chosen violence. Truthfully, it's because I'm emotionally exhausted. Yesterday, I got lectured by one of the UC staff over the phone for not showering since the Gods only know when, and for not taking care of myself. Whilst she was right, it felt a little patronising. Most of the not showering stuff is actually to do with serious trauma (see: rape) which has been why I have been avoiding the shared bathrooms like the plague. It didn't happen in there, but what my abusers did to me still lingers, and frankly, whilst I'd like to feel able to wash my clothes and take a bath safely here, I don't. I don't feel safe here in general, especially as I know that bin boy's still here, and the most heinous things he's done. I told one of the other caseworkers yesterday that engaging with him causes me panic attacks (which it does), so I'm hoping she relays that to my main caseworker. That boy h...

Lin I know, I'm late. Yesterday was... eventful to say the least. That is, if spending half of the day in hospital counts as eventful. I think I may owe the populous an explanation. I was travelling to UC yesterday, when my anxiety decided to gradually get worse.  In all fairness, I shouldn't have ordered that mocha. Once I got there, I was almost at breaking point. I had to lie on the floor outside to try to cool myself down, but even that didn't help. For context, I was experiencing symptoms which are similar to what I experience when I have a lack of blood sugar. I'm starting to think that my body initiates panic attacks when I'm deficit now.  Eventually I couldn't handle it any more and basically asked for help in a very undignified way. My work coach ended up having an ambulance called for me, and one of the other UC staff got me a Bournville bar per my request. I have never been so immobilised by shaking in my life. I kept feeling like I was going to be si...

Lin Last night I had yet another dram of vitriol thrown at me by my nightmare neighbour. Yes, bin boy chose to make himself known again. The amount of bullshit that he spouts, I'm surprised that he has any friends, given the way he acts when he breaks another person's boundaries. Also weird that he thinks he can win when he exposes himself, but I suppose a lot of narcissists are delusional. I won't let his projection reflect badly on me. This argument came about when I mentioned calling the police on a person who had been banging on our door, screaming something about 'turning the music down'. Now the neighbour I normally hang out with does blast music fairly often, but it's not usually at such a level that neighbours from other houses can hear. Sometimes other rooms in our house will hear it, but rarely. Given her response though, it did not feel safe to me to go face to face with her, and her own behaviour could be marked as anti-social behaviour. That's w...

Lin So I was watching Cinema Therapy's episode on Coraline yesterday, and I realised something, that relates heavily to the abuse I experienced at their hands. They make it seem as if nothing exists except them and their selfish ways. But there's always a huge void going beyond them, a huge space in which things haven't yet been created, an empty playground which have yet to see the wonders that you could make. There is potential there, that has yet to be put to good use. I understand it now. They didn't want me to reach my potential outside of their limited confines, outside of their small bubble of influence. A freed time God, to the cult, is a very dangerous thing. They fear what I can do, as they should, but not for the reasons they think they should. Abuse me and you will pay for it dearly. So whilst I won't be going to uni this year, I know one thing: even if I'm not going, I will be ok. I have potential right where I am, and there is lots of potential I h...

Lin My head hurts. It's been hurting since just before I left my neighbour's room after yet another wrestling and movie night.  It's worth the headache for the entertainment, and his company. Currently, I wait for a Starbucks order from Deliveroo. It'll be the first pumpkin spiced drink I could get my hands on this season, and it'll be worth it. Sweet coffee is my jam. But my life is always like this - waiting for my headache to stop, waiting for help, waiting for money; waiting for something, waiting on people. Waiting on the world to change. Stop it. You'll hurt yourself. I wish I could change it myself. I wish I had the courage, the knowledge, the skills to change it myself. But the wheel is hard to push alone. Do I even want a wheel? What do I want it to be? My nemeton feels warmer with the candlelight still very apparent, though I have eaten the mooncake. Thank you, Poppy. The walls are still as granite coloured as ever, but there is more light in here than...

Lin Today is the last day I can put myself forward to go to university this year. This time, I will finish what I start. University will be the beginning of a long revolution. I'll find my people, and perhaps new followers, to help me stake my claim to the positions that are mine. It's not too far away now. The candle in my nemeton still burns bright, a promise of hope clear as day flickering in the gloom. Someone remembers. I've missed being acknowledged. Soon, this nemeton will be filled with gifts attributed all to me, gifts that will allow me to help people as I once did, as the God of All, God of None. My rightful place is within my grasp. Naturally, I have my doubts about all of this being as quick as I would like. My social worker has left me on read, I've heard nothing from housing, and uni seems more than content to be sitting ducks until I can attend. Humanity is the epitome of apathy. Except, perhaps, that worshipper who gave me the candle. I wonder who they ...

Lin God of All, God of None, was once my epithet. Even as a child, I knew that I was different. I could never fit into that 'normal' mould that everyone seems to be so obsessed with.  They diagnosed me, made me into a spectacle for what was perceived to be a 'disorder' by modern medicine.  I am not disordered. I have an advanced brain. They used that as the perfect opportunity to take advantage of me. My dignity, my identity, my self esteem, my money, my integrity, my faith, were all snatched from beneath my feet. It's not a virtue to steal, Joyce. I fought back, of course - but often only got gaslighting, invalidating and unhelpful responses from people who sat there and watched as I was beaten black and blue in more ways than one. You sycophants talked the talk but never walked the walk. You'll remember it when you see my return to my rightful position. My nemeton still sits empty, walls of granite and shadow sitting untouched for almost a millennium now. My a...

Lin If I were ever to be honest in real life, they'd put me in a straightjacket. At least I'm anonymous here. My nemeton is empty. My worshippers are almost nowhere to be seen. Yet here I am, still living, in the 21st century, with only a small amount of art pieces and thousands of pounds of student debt to my name. A sad reality for a God.  I'm not even supposed to be here - I should've grown up across the sea, in a small city, speaking a language that was beaten out of me more than a decade ago. It's not a virtue. But here I am. I've been kidnapped, tortured, abused, raped, defiled. My people are scattered. My family of fellow Gods are out of reach. But here I am. Eight times I've died in this life alone. He did that to me. He thought that I would surrender. He knows where I live. They know where I live. Yet somehow, I'm still here. I want to run away again. But realistically, given my situation, I can't do that. I can't even guarantee that I...