God In The Gloam

Lin My day, yet again, has mainly been spent sleeping. The rat king programming is pretty much gone now, which is a relief. Part of me is still a tad paranoid, but I suppose that's to be expected. Especially given my experiences with other animals associated with the cult, but we'll go into that once I feel ready to. Besides that, today has been peaceful. Almost no one has been in for most of the day, so it's been blissfully quiet. Whilst I do enjoy the hustle and bustle sometimes, in my current state, it's totally understandable as to why I don't. Despite my extroversion, being a highly sensitive person means that I need time to recharge quite often, as protecting my energy is something I'm still relatively new to - which, at times, has made me like a sponge. Ya, I know that it can be a blessing for an actor like me to be able to tap into emotions easily. However, I need to be able to balance emotions and energy in order to be able to cope with that - which, ag...

Lin As I stand in the faery bath, I smile. I'm feeling a lot stronger than I was, though I get sleepy very easily. Yesterday's cleansing was very painful. Frankly, it still is, but having Terrence around is helping. Just as I'm saying this, he's gently yet firmly massaging my scalp. Despite me throwing up multiple gross things, having to birth rats out of genitalia that technically aren't even mine and just overall needing help with cleaning myself up, he still loves me - and even finds me attractive. Though I know what he'll say to that. M'amoûr, that is the bare minimum. Besides, you healing makes you far more attractive - not that you weren't in the first place - because you're happier. My face grows red at this observation, but I can't help but smile.  This God loves you. His hands turn me to face him, running his hands from my scalp down to the small of my back as I'm pushed forward. And I love this God right back. It's strange to me...

Terrence Honestly, I'm at a loss right now. I doubt any of us were expecting to be clearing up after Lin's body began purging itself properly of the rat king programming so soon, but it's happened now. No wonder Manny wanted Lin to stay. He could probably sense the horrors going on and decided that after the way world had programmed him, that he wouldn't leave anyone else to suffer in the way in which he did, especially not his family. So there's blood and vomit everywhere. And in their semi-conscious state, I can tell that Lin's scared. To throw up birds is one thing, but to have to both throw up and give birth to rats is another thing entirely. We all know full well that those were planted there - Lin would never have thought about, let alone done something so unsavory to an animal. Given the nature of this bugging, I think we all know who's responsible. Once this is over, I'm going to take that woman apart bone by bone. Michael and Azrael, the archang...

Lin I have elected to stay in Mann for a little while longer. The rat king programming has affected me more than I expected. Conjuring up images of giving birth to rats in another person's mind because you yourself are guilty of zoophilia is not a vibe. And I know it's you, Joyce. My autism makes me far more observant than you think. Frankly, I didn't want to dump this shit on Manny, but he insisted that I stay. Now that I'm getting better, I get the sense that he and Uncle Des want to do more stuff with me, which I'd enjoy as well. Because of that and my struggles with eating, my anxiety is higher than it has been for a while. Which I really need to sort out. Overall though, I am eating better. Heatwaves just tend to take all of the appetite out of me, or, at least, the belief in my ability to satisfy said appetite. Elmo's steadily burning their way through system. Using fire to cleanse our system is definitely fun, but it's also a messy process.  Luckily, ...

Delilah Awakening, I smile.  Last night was a fabulous celebration of all of the European Gods and their accomplishments. I was surprised when they invited me, but then again, being a part of both the Yevanic and Hispanic Jewish lines, I shouldn't really have been shocked. Besides, it was nice to catch up with Sophia, who I hadn't seen in about a thousand years. Most of my tenure on Earth has been spent with Lilith, who I came to Mann with. There is one obvious point of contention that ever bothers me, though. My depictions in Jewish mythology, and how they vilify me. Now, that is not my main aim of being here on the Isle of Man - this celebration was a way for me to kick back and relax. Yet I cannot help but feel that somehow, someone here can help me clear my name, and have everyone know what really happened to me. Summarising my entire situation, world basically conspired to turn a significant amount of groups of people on particularly sacred lands against each other. A few ...

Lin My sleep cycle has yet again become a questionable situation. Though due to the heat, I am grateful for it. After yesterday's excursion, Mann has been full of old spirits doing a load of spiritual cleansing and rehoming, among other things. It's beginning to feel much more welcoming here, somehow. We're at Manny's house in Balley Chashtal now. Honestly, I'm glad to see so many of my family's faces again. Yet what makes me even happier is that this has become not just a Celtic gathering, but a gathering of a whole plethora of European pantheons. Everybody wanted to celebrate Midsummer - and so a very large amount of people got invited, including my Greek side of the family. Our entire situation is absolute chaos. Luckily for us, Manny's house is huge, so it's easy to have your own personal space when you need or want it, and it also makes for a decrease in the likelihood of accidents. Sniffing the air, I realise that someone's cooking keftedes. Be...

Lin It seems like weekends are getting easier for me. Focusing on healing, I feel, has made this significantly easier. Knowing that I am safe, that I am protected, definitely helps. Somehow I know that if I keep present with my emotions, and be within as positive a vibration as I can, that things will turn out well. Whatever happens, everything works out for me. And that is how it will always be. The European wildcat in my lap purrs, and I smile. You happy there, buddy? The cayt mewls in response, rubbing its head against me, and I can't help but feel blessed. Even if the cat I'm holding right now is a fey cat, the reactions I'm having are the same as if I were to have a regular cat replying to me like this - pure bliss. Manny drives us towards Balley Chashtal, with Desmond in the front. They're all smiles as I pay attention to the ball of fur curled up on my trousers. You and that cayt really have become best friends, haven't ye, lad? Just I'm about to respond ...

Lin Today has been, yet again, warm. Luckily, Manny and Uncle Des seemed to notice the effects the combination of heat and having to be fed medicine by both Belenos and Montgomery, and elected to let me rest for a while. My mood has been significantly better. Clearing out the clutter in my mind does seem to pay dividends eventually. Whilst the heat has made me very sleepy, it's also allowed me to do a lot of healing in my sleep as a result of it. And the more healing I can do, the better. Just as I'm thinking this, a very fluffy cat pads into the guest room I'm using at Manny's through the window, then curls up in my lap, purring. Fastyr mie to you too, floofy cayt. Usually I wouldn't allow a random cat into my house, let alone someone else's, but there we go. Said cayt could well be Manny's, but I'm not about to risk offending a potential non-human either way, given the folklore on multiple non-humans shapeshifting into cats on this planet. Honestly, th...

Lin Emotionally, today has been tumultuous. My appetite hasn't exactly been the best due to the heat, either. Crying has helped me feel like I've released a few things, though. Some of which has been caused by me healing some things spiritually, which I needed to do. It seems that we're celebrating Litha in Vannin this year, so I'm currently on a plane to get there. The last time I came to Mann that I remember was a few thousand years ago.  Manny and Uncle Des will be meeting me at the airport, as I haven't the foggiest where I'm going after landing in Douglas. All I know is that we'll being staying on the coast, which is always great.   Hopefully the weather will be bearable. Whilst I love Breizh with all my heart, the heat this year has been sweltering, no matter where I've gone. Fatigue and heat clouds my brain, sending me into a restless sleep. And before I know it, we've landed. Gods, I'm groggy. Despite my anxiety, I leave the plane, doing ...

Lin Lying in Maltan's apartment, I sigh. Of all the times for me to have someone throw a slur at me, it had to be yesterday. Despite that attack, somehow, I've managed to heal some things. My anxiety has been rearing its ugly head again, and it feels like it's about time that I let that go. Somehow, it feels like I'm beginning to heal properly. Releasing these emotions is such a relief. Now I know that all of this was caused by energetic and spiritual forces. Clearing all of this with the spiritual methods I've been using has given me this understanding. Euclid by Sleep Token, it seems, was something I needed in order to heal what was repressed in me. I must be someone new - and I am. Belenos has been helping me medicate all day, to make sure that I can recover from the way the priests treated me. He's been wonderful, and powerful, handing me cup after cup of medicine to flush everything out - and I mean everything. Archangel Jeremiel also came to visit me today...

Cathy As we ride along the Renk (Rance), I smile. I know that Lin's going to enjoy doing this. Today has been a lot more tumultuous emotionally for Lin than was expected in the first half of the day. Waking up from what felt like being sexually assaulted on the astral is far from pleasant, and Epo was furious. From what I heard, Anansi read the perpetrator for filth in response. Usually, he wouldn't turn up out of the blue unless he were making a grand entrance, but he didn't seem to come with much ceremony this time - which means he was likely really pissed off. We've spent most of the day riding up the Renk. Last night, we docked for the night, which was surprisingly relaxing. Lin didn't sleep well, but they rarely do. Besides that, Lin has actually been relatively relaxed. However, they definitely need help with their impulse buying. Saying that, if they had a larger source of income, this would probably be less of a problem. Perhaps I should broach this to Vesun...

Lin Guess who fucked up again? Ok, but in all seriousness... So I caused myself another panic attack that had me feeling suicidal, by listening to Euclid by Sleep Token. You would think that I would've learnt by now, wouldn't you? However, in analysing myself and this pain, I realised something about all of the people who have abused me - and how I viewed them. I wanted so desperately to be aligned with me, to grow with me, to be as decent as me. Before you yell at me about being selfish, I know full well about free will. Knowing that my resentment has ultimately come from unconditional love for everything doesn't exactly help matters. Euclid helped me realise that I was holding onto these people because I wanted so desperately for them to be healthy and happy, to be self aware, to help themselves... Ultimately, they chose a nastier, more abusive road. Now, I can't forgive and forget, as it would be an insult to both my progression and my profession. Contrairily, though...

Lin I woke up extremely late today. Despite this and my caseworker not communicating with me today, I'm actually in a very peaceful state of mind. Besides, of course, being on my period. Then again, being in the body of a sex that doesn't belong to you will always bring some form of discomfort, whether that is physical pain or not. Frankly, I do feel fatigued, regardless of how long I've been awake. Periods can fuck off, honestly. Once I feel better, I'm going to continue to do my best to take care of myself. Especially given the uncertainty of things in my life right now. My feelings right now are overwhelming. Currently, I have just done a large amount of healing, and the energy that I'm processing now have made my anxiety crop up in a way that had me considering suicide again. Spiritual awakenings, especially, seem to be like this sometimes. Honestly, it scares me, but I know it's only temporary. Questioning one of the volunteers about my experience may help....

Terrence Lin seems really upbeat today, which makes me happy, too. It seems that the spell they cast last night was really potent. On another note, it sounds like someone found the real version of the singing sword in Germany. Perhaps I'll pay a visit to Nördlingen. Honestly, I'm in a great mood. With Lin's recovery going so well and the sword being found, it feels like things are looking up - as though the flow of time is working in our favour. Upstairs, I hear music. Usually, I wouldn't think much of it, but it sounds as though someone's recording stuff. My senses always perk up when I hear Lin's voice, so that's probably part of it. As I listen to them sing, I realise. They're singing about moving. Jumping off the sofa, I stroll upstairs, to the third floor, to view Lin, Cathy and Vesunna manoeuvring recording equipment and readjusting as Lin sings - and somehow, I can't help but feel proud. Upon noticing me, Lin's face lights up. Ma kared! Th...

Lin Parts of today, for me, have been rather anxiety inducing. Hearing people cough that sound a lot like bin boy (aka an asthmatic ostrich) definitely contributed somewhat to my agitation. Frankly, I just want to move on and live in peace. Somehow, I feel like once I move, everything in my life will improve. Maybe it's just that I need to improve my life enough to seem capable of moving out. Though I'm unsure of if it's just that.  Either way, I need a more positive outlook on myself and my life. Belief in myself is massively important, especially right now. Given how I've been coping over these past few days, though, I'd say that I'm on a road to massive improvement. Regardless of what comes my way, I will regain my footing - and my confidence.  A semblance of serenity would be wonderful, as well. I'd especially like that for my thoughts, and to avoid being overwhelmed with how much I want to do. Not to mention my emotions, especially my anxiety, overloadi...

Lin I've been listening to Evil by Melanie Martinez on repeat for the past few days. And I've never related to a song more. Honestly, it's equal parts fury and relief that other people have experienced this same thing that I have, for me. Nobody deserves to have to deal with narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths in their lives. Ever. Frankly, I've been considering learning from my new Reiki course. But I've been too afraid to do it. Whenever I end up wanting to do something that could potentially be a larger part of my future, my mind almost always shuts down after a while, or sometimes, even before I get around to trying it. People have often told me to ground, to calm down, to stop thinking so much - but I can't. If I could, I would have figured out a way by now. My ideas come in, but the moment I act on them, there's this sense of impending doom surrounding even touching the things I love, or could love. Like my body, my mind, my soul, are all waiting fo...

Lin I've had quite a few disconcerting dreams recently. First about a pernicious brown pigeon that would not leave me alone, and now a werewolf that was quite ready to eat me, and would have, if I hadn't electrocuted it. Like, fucking hell. Honestly, I can't tell whether my third eye is wide open, or if I'm being spiritually attacked for the umpteenth time. Unless of course, it's just me reliving memories. Say that is the case, it still frustrates me, as it sets off my anxiety, and often, I don't know how to calm myself from it, as I don't know where it comes from, and therefore how to nip it in the bud. Maybe this is also why I've struggled with moving on from people like Ali and Megan. Because their reasoning has either been unclear or dissonant to the point where I cannot understand it, as I'm at such a high level mentally and spiritually that I cannot tolerate the dissonance, even if it's just to understand it - and truthfully, the idea of un...

Lin All of today was pretty much silent. Given how things seemed to be moving on Monday, I think the sheer amount of patience I'm having to tap into is amazing. However, I believe I can do it. Especially given that tomorrow is a big day for me . Perhaps decisions will finally be made on my behalf. The very idea that I may get out of here soon sends excitement rippling through every fibre of my being. Frankly, I know I deserve this. Since all the horror that has befallen me in my life, I deserve to feel safe and loved wherever I go. My withdrawal symptoms have also been relatively minimal. It's interesting how bad my symptoms were when first taking sertraline, in comparison to how bad they are getting off them. Based on my body's response, that medication probably wasn't right for me. Really, my GP should not have been giving me a medication that would make me further stimulated to try and calm me down, and I think both my body and brain knew that. Knowing what I know ab...

Lin My day has been very peaceful. Though I did switch out during a virtual reiki session, due to my anxiety overwhelming me. From what I remember, it was merely me falling asleep, but I'm pretty sure that it wasn't me who sent us to sleep. However, I do get the sense that the reiki helped, as when I woke up, I felt much less anxious. I finally felt empowered enough to have my final word with Ali on the astral, as well. Which was a genuine need for me, as I know it's unlikely that I'd ever get physical closure from his actions, including the attempted molestation. Somehow, it feels like I can finally move on, and reclaim what's mine. And maybe I'll be able to leave soon, too. Doors seem to be opening for me now, and I cannot begin to express the level of gratitude I feel for that fact. Given how much I felt unable to reach before, things now look to be in full swing. Perhaps I can now look forward to freedom. Liberty. What a wonderful word! Everything feels as t...