God In The Gloam

Lin I came to a serious realisation in the social yet unsociable hours I've become accustomed to. It may bring some hilarity to you, but admittedly, I seem to have quite a lot of my most important epiphanies in the bathroom. I suppose it's a place of contemplation. I've noticed that a lot of my talk about what I can and can't do has been very much based around what the voldys told me I could and couldn't do, and around disability and illness. This whole time, I've been trying to find an ailment, a list of burdens to carry to validate my need for support, social interaction and my needs as a whole. And whilst I do have problems that need fixing, the problems I'm searching for and finding in myself are the direct opposite of what I actually believe and want to believe about myself. I did not leave only to wallow in 'not being able to do anything' once I got out. Especially for myself. All of that negative talk about myself and how I wasn't able, ho...

Lin I couldn't go to the GP today. My flu symptoms decided that they're here to stay, so my top priority is taking care of myself physically, something that the voldys never let me do. Right now, I'm snuggling under my throw, with Nyx and Erebus at my side. They've just been fed, so they'll be good for a while. I think I just fell asleep for a few hours, but I needed the sleep. I'll have to take some more medicine soon. Hopefully my method of improving my symptoms will continue to work. I get up to feed Nyx and Erebus again, filling their bowls with food. That much should be enough before they both fall asleep. That is, if they haven't already slept. I had a really weird dream just now. I remember quite specifically picking up two pieces of jewellery from the floor on a platform in a train station. Earrings, but not the same kind. I also think I took my hoop earrings out. Neither of these things are good signs, given what I had to do last year with my jewell...

Lin I'm still running a horribly high fever. The last time I perspired this much, I was still with the Voldys (my abusers), and the only reason I was let off was because I had thrown up non stop for about six hours. I really would not like a repeat of that. Today I really want to finish the general outline for each chapter of my Christmas novel, but I have no idea if I'll be able to, given how serious my condition is right now. It looks like I'll have to sweat this one out. What's worse is that tomorrow I'm supposed to be going to a GP appointment with my caseworker, and I have no idea how well I'll be, let alone if I'll be well enough to walk to the GP surgery. I missed the last appointment as well. I can't miss this one, or else I may not get transferred to another specialist. It's annoying when these kinds of things depend upon your ability to turn up physically. Kind of ableist, in my opinion. Come to think of it, the times in which people had fa...

Lin I think I may have found one of my real names, but I'm not entirely sure. Usually I would ask one of my friends, but recently, they've backed out further and further from my situation, so out of respect for that, I can't bother them with it. After all, it's their prerogative, and the first priority in that situation is keeping them safe and happy. It's based on the name I use for witchcraft, but I can't be entirely sure if I'm right. I'll need to do a reading to be sure. I'll see if an oracle reading gives me any answers. It seems that my assumption is correct, and that I may have indeed found my real name. It does however say that I will need help in finding my family, and to weigh up all of my options before I do.  I can't do this on my own. I've read further into my situation, and it seems that going to Wales will give me the answers that I need. It also sounds like I was born there, which would make a lot of sense, given that I wasn...

Lin It seems very much like I am sweating out a fever. My flu symptoms do seem to be rearing their ugly heads, so I'm trying my best to rest. I ended up watching Captain Marvel, and I realised how much I related to the main character, how much her story was like mine. The amnesia, being taken from her true home, the powers, even down to the friends she kept... None of it seems like a coincidence. And the music choices were the sort I'd listen to. It feels like I was being given a sign in and of itself to keep going. That I'm somehow breaking out of the box I was forced into. I asked for a sign, and I got one. Even her surname feels like a sign. My Year 9 French teacher had the same surname. There are too many things lining up there that don't make sense unless they are signs. I'm going to make changes from here on out. Because I am a God of change. I will carry myself with the belief that I'm telling the truth now. As my caseworker said, if I was lying, I wouldn...

Lin Sometimes I need to be careful of what I say, lest it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I pull out the sick excuse and then my throat decides to go full flu mode. Then again, I say that, but my caseworker was also sick whilst at work when I saw them (they did say it wasn't Covid, but still...), so it may very well be that I caught whatever they have. It doesn't help that I've started my period, which seems to make me all the more susceptible to viral illnesses. I had felt extremely tired earlier, but instead of listening to my body, I decided to watch the remainder of Agent Carter. Really, I should have gotten some sleep. My sleep cycle is now completely out of whack. It's 7am, for fuck's sake. Hopefully whatever it is will abate enough for me to still be able to enjoy the Poppy concert on Sunday. My period will also have likely died down a considerable amount by then too, so my body should be a bit stronger in order to tackle the issue. I'm also hoping th...

Lin I'm hoping to begin properly writing the Christmas story I've been planning today. It's definitely going to be fun. I want to see how much I can write within a day, but I also want to take good care of my body, as I think I might be a tad overheated. It is warm in here, but I also probably need that. Today I was supposed to go to my UC appointment, but didn't in the end. I didn't think that the TV was going to show up last night, so I cancelled. If I'd had known, I would have considered it, but also 11am is way too early, and to be quite honest, my fatigue has been playing havoc with me, so it's not like I'm deliberately winding my way out of going. Besides, writing may very well help me draw in an income, and if I can do that, I may not even need UC any more. Let's hope that I can get lots of money to pay off all of my debts. It's exciting to think about, especially if it goes well. Speaking of money, my TV is definitely worth it when combin...

Lin I got an idea for a Christmas story the other day. I will now have to look at all of the holidays in December for this year. It's going to be fun to write for sure. I already had a bit of fun discussing the idea with a good friend of mine. (Who will be credited, but only if they want to be.) I'm hoping that I can put some dedication into it. I'll have to wait until my Amazon packages turn up, though. I bought some new notebooks, and the TV and what have you may also help with some new creative endeavours. I'm genuinely excited. It also means that I no longer have to rely on my other neighbour to watch the wrestling if and when I want to. I know that access to WWE is an extra payment, but it sure as hell is worth it for me. I'm supposed to be seeing my caseworker today. I'm hoping that they don't cancel again, but I'm not entirely sure. Apparently the police want to ask me more questions about what I told them about nopeman. I'm not comfortable wi...

Lin I am feeling quite cozy today, though I did also wake up late. Very late. I had wanted to watch the wrestling with my neighbour, but it sounded as though he was playing a game with some friends, so I left him to it. I'm genuinely considering getting my own TV now, so that I can watch things without having to rely on anything or anyone else. I looked at some of the cheapest Black Friday stuff on Amazon, but a lot of the better cheap ones are £100 and upwards, and frankly, I'm not sure that realistically I have the money for that. I did, however, buy a plug extension, which I have been meaning to do for ages. It means that I won't have to turn off my portable heater or my lamp whenever I want to charge my portable charger. I'm excited for this week. On Sunday I get to see Poppy, and if I can get my act together for Thursday, I may very well also be able to go to my UC appointment. I've been having less panic attacks, which is a good sign that I may be able to trav...

Lin Last night was a bit of a weird one, but good. I watched Captain America in full for the first time, then ended up finding one of my other neighbours in my kitchen. The person in there, luckily for me, wasn't bin boy - it was one of my other neighbours, who is usually very quiet and keeps to themself. They were very polite, and seemed to pick up on my anxiety a bit. They tend to be very reasonable most of the time, so when I realised it was them, I'll admit that I backpedalled. I had been partially expecting to have a fight with someone, but that didn't happen, which is good, as it's the last thing I would've wanted at half past midnight. They're a good sort, and I feel would generally keep to the rules of my kitchen if we shared on a more permanent basis, though I can't say for sure, hence why we don't have an agreement like myself and bin boy did. I do feel lucky, though. It means that aside from finding the oven door partially broken in the upstai...

Lin   I'm in a very good mood today. It feels weird to say, but it's true. Yesterday, I didn't really do much, but I didn't really need to. Although when I took a nap, I had a rather disgusting dream about predator-prey dynamics that really did not feel right on a spiritual level. But again, that usually says that I'm getting to the bottom of the barrel. The magpies chatter outside, and I smile. One of my own icons making itself known again. I don't usually look forward to each passing day, but today, I feel a lot better than I have for a long time. I used to, but things got difficult here. It seems that times are changing again. I was actually able to hold some semblance of a conversation with people on a group chat as well. We talked about the Disney Pixar shorts, which I enjoyed immensely. My favourite is La Luna. La Luna is my comfort short for sure. The message it sends has always resonated with me. It's essentially asking people to allow for a person t...

Lin Today I may very well not go to the Ultimate Seminar at all. If I do feel able to turn up, I will, but if not, I won't. It's already started, so it's most likely that I'll either turn up later, or not at all. I wanted to go, but if it's going to cause me too much stress to go, even if I enjoy the prospects of going, it won't be worth straining my health over it. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the food I bought from Starbucks and rest well. After everything that's happened this week, I deserve it. I found a scratch near the back of my neck again, and I'm honestly not sure who it's from this time. It may very well be self inflicted, but I highly doubt that. But what I do know for sure is that it isn't Rickmansworth, because he can't come here any more. That leaves others of his goons, including potentially bin boy, though I would think that if it were him, he would have inflicted it spiritually as opposed to physically. He doesn't...

Lin I'm much more relaxed today than I was yesterday. Seeing Gaia helped me think much more clearly. Now that I know about bin boy's further involvement for sure, I feel better about holding him accountable for it. I think last night I may have hit him spiritually with something in system, as it felt as though I almost scared myself with my anger. I quickly realised it wasn't me, though. For now, I'm just glad to see the back of him. When I'm ready to, I'll bring them all to justice, one by one. Today I'm meant to be seeing my caseworker to sort a few things out. They seem to genuinely have my best interests at heart, even if they sometimes struggle with keeping to their schedule. But they do take care of twelve people, which they're not supposed to, so it's not like they have much choice in the matter. I feel in a lot of ways that I'm growing as a person, as a God, as a being. I've honestly never felt stronger. Surprisingly, after only a day...

Lin Bin boy decided to make an appearance. Him and his friends were literally the rudest ever, standing in the stairwell so that I couldn't get to the shared toilet on the 1st floor. And I know they were mocking me. Motherfucker could've gone straight to his room. Doesn't look that scared of me to me. And surprise surprise, one of his bunnies died due to his negligence. I'd love to know if he could be put in jail for that, because if he can, I might take it up with my other neighbour to talk about, as he has proof that this arsehole wasn't taking care of his pets. Before people start going "it's giving me obsessed", I was actually trying my darndest to forget about him until last night. The prick even had the nerve to cry when he found the rabbit dead.  Lo and behold, fuckface, the consequences of your actions! His appearance has now put me in a state of soft panic mode and I'm struggling to eat again. I was doing well until he showed up. And yeah,...

Lin I ended up not being able to go to my doctor's appointment yesterday. The sensations in my body told me everything I needed to know.  Even now, when I think about going, my body feels an immense amount of anxiety. It's still something I need to address. I'll have to go to the next appointment, whether I like it or not. Me being able to continue to get money and support from the government whilst I can't work is more important than my panic attacks. Besides, the panic attacks will likely prove my point anyway. Today I don't have anything to do, but tomorrow I have a Universal Credit appointment. Hopefully that will go down well, and I'll be able to take a bath or shower beforehand. For now, I'm going to take a break and look after my own wellbeing. I may also do another POV TikTok or two, if I feel up to it, but that depends on how good I feel. Yesterday and ereyesterday really took a lot of energy from me. Let's hope that this doesn't become an o...

Lin I chose to recover over a concert. If you haven't checked the blog already, I put up the 30.5 entry to clarify the situation. Even so, I do feel like I haven't quite explained godly territory enough. It has a lot of facets to it, to put it that way. But because my hallmark is still on Greenwich, I can contest nopeman's (Rickmansworth's) ownership over the area. But I'll have to recover enough and have enough people to back me up first. Greenwich is not Highgate or Angel. I'll need physical allies, probably mostly family. I looked through some of Nostradamus' prophecies again to see if there was anything that might suggest that I will win, but now that I think about it, a lot of that 'future' Nostradamus saw was likely dictated by nopeman or somebody else like one eye, who would have gotten the fake norns to do it. Essentially, it means that it can not only be changed, but also that there is the potential for multiple events that were actually rea...

Lin The concert is a set up. Before you call me mad, please let me explain. That concert is supposed to be at the O2 Arena, in Greenwich. Before you say that Greenwich is safe, please look at this from a spiritual perspective. It's one of the most used places consistently in Britain by almost all civilisations who have lived there, and time, as well as longitude are calculated based off of measurements from the area. I am a time God. Let me also point out that the O2 Arena is shaped very much like a clock, has a ridiculous capacity intended for multiple audiences and is situated on a ley line, right next to the Thames.  I was going to wear partially green merch as my Within Temptation shirt has a green design, and I was also going to be wearing green makeup, all of which I've been warned against before, when it was still dangerous for me to be obvious about my godliness, as it was the colour I was assigned as part of the cult.  Spiritually, I would have been a walking neon sig...

Lin I did my second POV yesterday. I had intended to have a bath, but because one of my orders went horribly wrong, I had to postpone it until today. Luckily I have food from last night to eat, so I don't have to wait for anything else, besides a wait time for brushing my teeth. Which once I eat, will probably only be about half an hour. Today's the day of my first concert in more than two years. I'm really excited. I've been listening to Evanescence since I was a kid, and to Within Temptation since I was a teen, so this is basically me fulfilling a childhood dream. The Voldys would have never taken me. Anything like concerts had to be vetted and liked by all of them or nobody went. The only time I got to see something without any of them was the Rock Assembly, and I still hold pride over being able to see Rizzle Kicks and Example without them. Sure, it was with secondary school, but still. Voldy Jnr was in Year 11 at the time anyway, so she wouldn't have attended, ...