God In The Gloam

Lin So in the end, we did not go to the museum. We woke up late, and my body was not about to deal with a thirty minute Tube ride. Are we even surprised, at this point? It's not like we haven't been avoiding travelling, despite enjoying it, due to serious anxiety around it. This anxiety isn't truly mine, or ours - so I need to get to the bottom of it in my own way. One of my friends once told me that I had balls of steel - it's about time I showed it again, not for the approval of others, but for myself, and our system. Music is becoming easier to listen to, though. By some miraculous stroke of luck, we managed to listen to the entirety of Melanie Martinez's new album in one sitting, and it's brilliant. Honestly, I'm grateful to have a system, so that I can know whether or not I'm ready for some things. Especially when said things may make me uncomfortable - one of the songs on the album had some sound effects that made me feel a bit tetchy, but I coped ...

Lin Somehow, I got through today. Tomorrow is what I'm worried about. My visit to a museum with the housing association is tomorrow, and I have no clue how my body will hold up. I want to go into society again, but I don't know how ready I am to do that. Slumped in one of Belenos' medical chairs, I sigh. He's been running a load of different tests on me to ensure my health, as well as some genetic tests to determine my ancestry, among other things, like confirming my relations on the physical. As the doorbell rings, I raise my head. Belenos answers, and allows the person to come through. When we lock eyes, we both smile. Ash! Of all people to visit me whilst I'm in Breizh, I was not expecting them. Their black hair swishes around me as they wrap me in a warm hug that smells like vanilla, strawberries and cinnamon. Hey! I figured you'd want a little pick me up today! They rifle through their bag, and I realise - that's their work bag. Their hand emerges with ...

Lin Someone in system decided to delete our entire alter database today. Now myself and Terrence are having to fill it out all over again. Today's blog will most likely be quite short because of it. Frankly, despite how much I've been resting, I've been stressed out today. My neighbours and their friends being loud hasn't helped matters. Changing my subliminal playlist slightly may have contributed, too. Sitting in Belenos' living room, I take in some deep breaths, focusing on Terrence's heartbeat as best as I can. Hopefully, if things work out, I'll be able to find my parents on the physical with the way my playlist works now. Picking up on my sadness, Terrence's attention becomes slightly more physical, as he gently reassures me that he's staying right here. I've got you. He strokes my scalp, and I find myself beginning to relax. Today didn't exactly go to plan, did it? He sighs, moving his hands to my shoulders. Nann, lovely, it seems it d...

Aventana   Ruffling Tavi's hair, I smile. Do you want to come? They nod. Given that they're usually stuck inside all day due to illness, it's no surprise that they want some fresh air.  Whilst their health definitely isn't great, it'll get better - and we're going to start with this. Mat eo din. Your stay in Breizh may be longer than you think, ma kared. Just remember that. It's only polite to warn them now, before it gets to being potentially unforgivable. Before we go and find those responsible, we need to see Belenos. Belenos, Gaulish God of the Sun, as well as healing. He's Danú's husband, but he often works away due to where his nemeton is situated, which is in France, as opposed to Ireland. For me? Ya. You need someone to check on your condition, and he's more suited to that than I am. Plus, if needs must, you can stay there and get treatment until you're better.  This is important for the entire Sim, Tavi. The responsibility you've...

Lin Surprisingly, today has gone better than expected emotionally. The more I focus on myself, the easier it gets. I just got told to light some strawberry incense in the house, and I feel as though it's working, somehow. From what I know, strawberries sit at a very high vibration. Perhaps I should make a subliminal on them. My day has been fairly uneventful, but I'm content. Yet again, I have survived - and that is something to be grateful for. After conducting some research on the spirituality of strawberries, I have found some meanings that resonate with me. Love, beauty, abundance and strength.  They're also known to be symbolic of sweetness. Sweetness is a nickname important to me for a few reasons, but I won't get into them now. We arrived in Brest early this morning, so Nantosuelta and the others (including Vesunna and my Granna, Aventana) let us sleep for a while. They've been wonderful to us. Being with them now, as they mention Vannes, I begin to remember....

Lin As we've been watching Moon Knight, part of me has admittedly felt a bit lost. I'm not sure that we as a system switch nearly as much, though that may also be just because I'm so used to being in the front that I often feel people being co-conscious, as opposed to experiencing not fronting at all. Yes, I am front stuck, and have been for quite some time. Mostly since the kidnapping, I think, though saying that, I can't be sure. Our system has always been good at covering our tracks, so it's no wonder that I didn't notice. From what I know, most people didn't notice, except one person, who outright asked because he himself experienced it. That was the first time I'd ever actually been asked about our system. But because we'd been dismissed so many times, we were cautious about talking about it. However, the godly stuff in Moon Knight is awesome. Definitely not the same as how I and the system experience it, but amazing all the same. Surprisingly, ...

Lin I sent an email to the Pottergate Centre today. Hopefully I'll get an answer soon. For those of you who don't know what that is, the Pottergate Centre deals with dissociative disorders, especially dissociative identity disorder. Now, whilst a lot of our experiences have indeed been spiritual, it is important to note that some inexplicable physical things have happened to us as well. As we've begun watching Moon Knight, I realise that some things have definitely happened to our system, too. Like when we were kidnapped from our house, I completely switched out, and had no memory of the next five hours of our escape, as when I woke up in the voldys' house, I panicked. But somehow, I think that our system is a lot better at covering our tracks than some. Then again, saying that, we've learned the hard way what happens if someone can't access memories from other alters that happened as a result of amnesia.  Of course, there are times when there are exceptions to ...

Lin Today has, yet again, not gone to plan. My caseworker has pulled this up though, and is actually trying to arrange for me to get a carer. Now, the problem with that is that I have no idea how I'd pay for one, given how much I spend. Also, it's something that I actively avoided whilst with the voldys, as they were hellbent on forcing it onto me, as opposed to letting me grow and choose for myself what was best for me. Frankly, I believe I can live independently. I just need the support to recover, at least partially, from both my physical and mental health issues, whilst being properly reintroduced to society. Crying seems to have helped me process my feelings somewhat. Praying also did something for me, though I'm not sure what yet. Somehow, I know some energy blockages have been cleared. Doing two reiki sessions in the space of two days may have been what caused this. But the way I see it is that my soul is being purged, somehow - like a load of stagnant energy has bee...

Lin I had my first session of reiki today with the new practitioner. Honestly, I feel so much better. My remaining crystals also came in the post. And they're all wonderful. Crystals have always felt healing for me to use, but these ones I've collected recently feel much stronger to me than they did before. Even in the spiritual awakening I had before finding out I was a God, I didn't have as much of a connection with my crystals as I do now. Perhaps I needed to leave in order to develop my psychic abilities. Which would explain a lot, given the experiences I've had since then. Speaking of which, I ended up having a dream about running from the voldys. Luckily, Terrence managed to distract me in the dream for long enough for me to wake up. Efara stands in the cornflower doorway of her father's living room, giddy with excitement. I have a place I want to show you. But it's a bit far out, so we'll need to take the car. You coming? Sur! Let's go! Brav! She ...

Lin Despite being left to my own devices, I feel relatively calm today. Though I am starting to worry about money again. I'll probably be ok, but still. Part of me got a little bit too enthusiastic about buying crystals. I need to curb my spending. Besides that, today has been more fruitful than expected. My session with the therapist went well, and I've filled out two applications - one for housing, and one for a social care assessment. And... I just started writing another song. Eating some kiwi snacks seems to have done this to me. Sensing my confusion at my sudden inspiration, Efara laughs as I curl up on her father's sofa, borrowing a particularly fluffy throw (which I've been told I can keep).  Writing music again, are we? I nod. It's about kiwi. She grins. Kiwis are good. Maybe we should research them? After all, it might relate to some stuff that could heal you spiritually. I can tell you need that, especially since you've been away for so long. You can ...

Lin It's been quiet today. My day started relatively late, though my body did decide to try and wake me up at 6am. Some of my neighbour's friends were talking really loudly as well. Frankly, I would've loved to knock on the ceiling with a broom handle to get them to shut the fuck up. (Not that I'd be tall enough to do that because of how high my ceiling is. Besides, I don't even own a broom. Perhaps I should.) Tomorrow, mercifully, is Monday. Even if I don't see my caseworker, I'm having a therapy session in the evening over zoom, so that should help somewhat. Honestly, I am scared though. Part of me worries that the housing association will keep thinking that it's ok to leave me on my own (it isn't), as it's unclear what they're prioritising over me. Now, that may very well end up changing tomorrow, but my worst nightmare is that I'll just be forgotten in this house, doomed to rot forever. Like the scene in Meet The Robinsons, that shows...

Lin So I'll be spending this weekend alone. My friend ended up bailing, as their sister's sick. I can't really blame them for that. It's on days like these that I'm reminded of how much I miss my family, especially my father. He'd never willingly leave me alone if he felt there was something wrong going on for me. Taranis has always been a good dad, to both me and my brother. And I learned a lot from him, both as his child and his apprentice. Come to think of it, today I got an intuitive hit about him again, and his watch shop. Just in case it really is his shop, I won't mention the location - but I read with both runes and tarot to confirm it. For now, I'll leave following that hunch until I have more information. Whilst I trust my Da, I also know he would never ask me to follow him blindly. Given my health situation as well, it's definitely a weird time to try any kind of long distance travel. Let's be honest, I've been consistently complai...

Lin Today was definitely not as productive as I had expected it to be. Saying that, I think someone had an emergency at the house or at one of the housing association's properties, so that probably didn't help. Luckily, I did still manage to hear from The Listening Place, despite not being able to travel there myself. Next time, I will have to go. I'll just have to find someone to go with me in time. One of my friends might be coming over tomorrow. I hope they do. They always make me laugh. That, and they're a great person to be around in general. Frankly, I'm grateful that I have at least one person that can be around during the weekend. Company is one of the main things I need right now. Honestly, the other thing, or things, I need right now are my moons. Before people rush to the comments to start joking about arses, I am referring to spiritual versions of Earth's natural satellite. Gaul and Breizh had their moons stolen not long after invasion, and until I f...

Lin At least one prayer of mine was answered today. I got my homeopathic remedies in the post. Having taken several, I actually feel considerably better. Frankly, whilst my hot flushes are still there and I feel a bit teary, it's not the level of desperate I was feeling a few hours ago. Today was uneventful, besides our house being inspected. My room was a tip, so that was awkward. But weirdly, they were more gentle with me than I expected them to be. Yet I still felt a tad embarrassed, so I cleaned up what I could once I was gone. Prayers really are coming true for me recently. Usually I worry about my requests falling upon deaf ears, but it seems like those I ask for aid from are doing their utmost to get me the things I need, which is fantastic. Just now, I was asked by Great Aunt Hera, of all people, to do a reading. She wanted to communicate with me, and I'll always be grateful for her involvement in my existence. Whilst I write of this, someone gently taps my head, and wh...

Lin My hot flushes have returned with a vengeance. I'm pretty sure I took my meds this morning, so I'm really confused. For now, I'm going to do my best to remain as calm as possible. Honestly, I am worried, but if I hold out until Friday, I should be ok. What's more is my dreams haven't exactly been pleasant, either. The whole of last night's dream played out like a horribly written fanfiction. Not to mention that someone in system tried to smear my Da's name in the process. Given the way he talked (rather sexually), and the fact that I was basically looking at Jack Sparrow, I'm pretty sure he was not my father. Besides all of that, today has been very quiet. Painfully quiet.  Somehow, I feel that my physical symptoms may be, at least partially, a result of struggling to socialise regularly. Affection starvation is definitely not helping. I miss feeling able to get on a train and go somewhere, hugging friends, having people stay the night, staying the n...

Lin Today may have been the beginning of something beautiful. I referred myself to an organisation that may have a place for me! However, I need a social worker to submit a needs assessment. My hope is that they get onto that as soon as possible and realise just how much help I actually need to get back to being independent again. Passing it over to my caseworker has made me equal parts nervous and happy. Frankly, I don't like leaving it to other people, but I trust her to get the job done. After looking at Cadw, the Welsh version of English Heritage, I'm actually excited to move. Once I get a membership, I'll be visiting historical places in both Wales and Man, as it'll be free if they're owned by Cadw or Manx National Heritage. Cadw membership also gives a 50% off discount for both English Heritage and Historic Scotland for a year, then is free after a year. You bet I will be investing in an individual plan. Someone ruffles my hair, and I turn to see Manny grinnin...

Lin Somehow, despite things not going to plan, I was ok today. As it turns out, my calendar should be empty until Friday, aside from a meeting with my caseworker.   Realistically, I probably need the rest, and my caseworker probably does, too. Last week was havoc, so it's best to take it easy from here. Besides, my caseworker has at least four other clients. Which means that she can't always be around for me like I need someone to be when things get bad anyway. I do want to be independent again. Yet I'm not sure how ready I am for that. To an extent, there are some things I can do. For instance, taking a short bus ride on my own. However, bigger things seem to increase my anxiety. One example is the idea of taking the Tube on my own, given how many panic attacks I've had on it. Perhaps I'll get there eventually. My money's on my success. It'll come, sooner or later. Tsuki lies in my lap, a small smile playing on his lips. It's been a while since we spent...

Lin The beacon is lit. And my father will answer. Frankly, today has been shitty, but it's definitely considerably better than it has been. My body has actually been much less groggy since me eating that burger, so that's been helpful. Other than that, I managed to get myself to read some tarot today. Hence the beacon. I'm meant to be going to a spiritual network zoom call today, but I'm not sure how well I am to. Socially and spiritually, I probably ought to - I need some form of connection to people who can understand. Returning from the zoom call, I smile. Despite my hot flushes and the general unpleasantness in my body, it was worth it. Now I feel, somehow, that I can have friends, godly or not, who understand what it's like. Being godly feels much less daunting now that I'm not alone. Artio takes a seat alongside me, smiling. Did it help? I nod. People really do understand - especially the danger, and having a target on your back. Ever since I realised I wa...

Lin My body has decided to be feverish again. Admittedly, I haven't eaten very well since yesterday, so it's kind of on me, but even so, it's unpleasant. However, the impulses have dissipated, much to my relief. I will be avoiding coffee for the foreseeable future.   Today has actually been better than I expected. Whilst I did sleep late, I've been less distressed than most weekends - probably because I've realised that I have to rely on myself, first and foremost. Right now, I'm focused on getting to Monday. Frankly, I am nervous, but I need to pull through - patience is key. Since last night, it has felt easier. Deina's destruction in system was a need - her actions were harming multiple people in system, not just me. Lying in Robb's lap, I smile. It's been a while since we spent time together like this, and he seems to find joy in my company, too. Of course I do. You're you, Plushie. I grin. Better not start inflating my ego, ma kared. He smir...

Lin I almost made a complete tit of myself today. Think having to literally restrain yourself from giving non-consensual physical affection to somebody. Come to think of it, this is the first time this kind if thing has happened to me since I left, where it felt like me having to prevent myself from doing something to other people. Maybe it was the coffee mixing with my meds. In which case, it's probably best avoided. Yet again, I dread the weekend. At least it's only two days this time.  Kuan Yin decided to make herself known today. Frankly, it's a relief. Her being in my system makes me feel better. Right now, I'm struggling to get myself to eat. Honestly, I want to eat for the sake of my own health, but the nausea and general anxiety around eating is making it near impossible. Brain swirling, I find myself falling into Kuan Yin's lap, and my vision fades to black.  ******* Kuan Yin Placing a hand on their head, I sigh.  I'm pretty sure that Lin hasn't eat...

Lin The rain seems to have found me again. Honestly, it's a relief. My time at The Listening Place was tinged with honesty. I told them about the DID, which is the first time since I was thirteen that I've mentioned it to a practitioner. Admittedly, I was scared of mentioning it, but I'm glad I did. Now, it feels like the weight of the Earth is off my shoulders, somehow. Someone quietly ruffles my hair, and when I turn, the smell of Terrence's cologne hits me in the face. Blinking, I note his reaction to my reaction is to do his utmost to stifle a good natured laugh. Gods, you're adorable. Planting himself into the sofa next to me, he tugs me into a warm embrace, smiling against my neck. M'amoûr... Face turning red, I attempt to turn away, but he gently moves my head back, so that my eyes meet his. I raise an eyebrow, though I'm sure that my blush is still very apparent. Perak? (Why?) He smiles. Why not? You're my wife. His hug becomes very slightly tigh...