God In The Gloam

Lin I spent most of today sleeping. Though I did have a very interesting dream. From what I could see, I was basically going to get married. We even had our own house ready. Now, I wouldn't even think about marriage at the phase of life I'm in. Plus, spiritually, I have a husband I have yet to find on the physical, and that man definitely wasn't him. Besides that, I've had a specific Paramore song in my head all day, and somehow, it feels like a good portent to something more. Somehow, I know that I've got nothing but time on my hands. And soon, I'll be able to fly away. Just like I've been praying for. I sense a gentle tap on my head, and as I turn, Philotes casually slides into my field of vision. Για. I grin. Για, cousin. She takes a seat, passing me what looks like a box of chips. For the ones that got ruined earlier. Ah, ευχαριστώ. Παρακαλώ.  She rolls her shoulders, then stretches her arms high above her head, before carefully yet gracefully setting th...

Lin Something in my soul has changed, and I can feel it. I listened to an Epica song quite dear to my heart, and saw new visions for the first time in a while. Maybe sometimes the magic is in the waiting, in being patient. After letting that magic flow through my veins, I've not felt more powerful. Not in years. Despite the song's initial meaning, it feels to me more like defeating a fake God, than solely facing up to a monster. There's nothing like the triumph I feel right now. I spent most of today, like usual, sleeping. Frankly, I needed the rest. Waking up anxious was not what I expected, though. Having strange dreams about my classmates from school didn't help. My mood has been quite variable, as well. Whether it's to do with the meds or solely me, I'm unsure, but it isn't exactly pleasant. Not to mention some of the gross intrusive thoughts I've been having, which I've had to force myself to ignore. Let's put it this way: no way am I sendin...

Lin Mercury Retrograde decided to make itself known today. Honestly, I did have the feeling that I may need to cancel my therapy session, but waited for confirmation, so I wouldn't end up making a fool of myself. Besides that, today has been unusually peaceful. Aside from some of the anxiety I had, my mood has actually been fairly good. The inability to sleep properly has been awkward, though. It was probably stress. I'll sleep eventually. Given my situation, I decided to contact a spiritual emergence network about a few things. When they respond, I'll be very happy. Frankly, I am nervous about telling them that I'm a God. That is, if I do at all. I should probably read for it. Shaking the rune bag, I ask about telling them about my godliness, and reach for a rune. Thuriaz stares back at me. Thor's rune. Thuriaz is the warrior rune, as well as being symbolic of good counsel and change. But most of all, it's Thor's way of giving me his support. I shuffle my d...

Lin   As I lie in bed now, bearing with the pain of having a female body, I've realised something, as I do research on places that I know to be a part of my ancestry, on things that I'd like to do, to try. Until now, I was preparing to die. Now, it doesn't feel like that. In my future, it feels as though there are things that I can look forward to, and therefore stay alive long enough to enjoy. I want to live. For me, it matters now that I live long enough to see my family again, to bring my abusers to justice... To see myself be a God, with all of the powers, abilities and truths that come with it. Suddenly, it seems that life is more appealing to me. Despite this pain, in spite of everything I've experienced, I want to exist, as the God that I am. Part of me, naturally, is also absolutely terrified of this realisation. My mind is stuck between self preservation and adventure, and honestly, whilst I know which path would suit me better, I fear actually taking it. Reali...

Lin Today has been full of relief. I have someone to go with me to appointments on Friday and next Wednesday. Monday doesn't sound like it's booked yet, but I'm sure it will be. Honestly, it's nice to be looked after. As for tomorrow, I don't have plans, so I'll do my best to rest. Which, given how Friday and the weekend will most likely pan out, I'll need to prepare. Part of me is a little bit frazzled, as I decided to try drinking coffee again after a long time. From what I can tell, so long as I don't get a large drink, I can handle coffee. I still have to be careful, though. Somehow, I feel like my recent prayers are being heard, too. Everything seems to be answered now, which feels good. You wouldn't usually expect it in the middle of Mercury retrograde, but it works, somehow. Despite even the current universal energy, things seem to be working out for me. For now, at least. Hestia has taken a seat with me in the nemeton, whilst I bear with the ...

Lin It's been a weird one today. Despite my pain and discomfort, I get the sense that we may be getting somewhere with my moving. From what I've been told, speaking to some officials may get me moved out of here sooner rather than later. Which, frankly, is exactly what I need. Clearing out some of my room has also helped me breathe somewhat. My ready meals had cluttered the room, so you can imagine the horror I was experiencing between my anxiety and the guilt that I wasn't eating. Some friends of mine have brought up concerns about my mental health too, which I totally understand. Talking about being a God, as well as both having a system and speaking of trauma that I only experienced from a specific perspective can make it seem like I'm crying wolf - and that there may be less going on than I think. Which could be true, but I highly doubt it. All in all, really, I just want to get better. Leaving the house entirely is the first step, and probably the hardest out of al...

Lin Today has been a struggle. My main caseworker is on sick leave, so I haven't really had as much support as I feel I need.   But I did get mail earlier from the NHS, with details of both last and next week. All I can hope for is that I won't have to go to the hospital or the therapist alone. I am anxious, as per usual, but until I get properly processed by the right authorities, I'm stuck here. Whilst I definitely can't say that I'm pleased about it, I also can't say it surprises me. Somehow I know that my life is meant for more than this, for more than me just sitting idly by as time slips past me. Right now, if I were on track to what I'd originally aimed for, I'd have at least two albums out by now, and potentially a book.  Now, I know there's no rush, but I hate relying too much on others, even though I know I need people, both as a God and a Sal person in order to feel whole and healthy. Honesty about needing people has not been easy, as it...

Lin I spent most of today sleeping. Last night I struggled to sleep, as my neighbour ended up calling an ambulance. Right now, I'm still struggling to eat, but it's not as bad as it has been. Even so, I hope that social services assigns me someone soon - I can't do this alone. At least, not right now. Frankly, I am scared. But I also know that at some point, I will get help, even if it's not now. Just have to hold on until then. No matter what I end up facing, first and foremost, I am a God. And I will get through this. Sweeney and Herne are sat with myself and Terrence in the nemeton today. At this point, it's no surprise that the people I've been needing most are from my father's line, especially given that this situation tends to affect me worst on weekends. I wish it were easier. Sweeney nods. Aye, lad. We all do. He ruffles my hair. There are a lot of things waiting for ye. Good things. It's about time ye had good things in yer life. Herne nods. You...

Lin I managed to make it through Saturday, somehow. What's more, is my anxiety has been triggered far less, though eating is still touch and go. The agency that the crisis team referred me to also called today, so now I have an appointment on Friday. Uncertainty abounds on the subject of whether or not I'll be able to travel on my own if my caseworker is unable to take me, but we'll see. Eventually I will be independent again, but not right now. After all that I've experienced, I have come to understand that any help I get should be outright asked for consent wise, whether that be me myself asking, or someone else asking if I need help, and what help I need. Honestly, I am nervous. But I managed to make it through today. Even if I couldn't make it through, I'd be proud of myself - for making it as far as I have.  For now, I'm going to do my best to keep going. Despite everything that's been thrown my way, I am a God, enduring and rising from the abuse th...

Lin Somehow, today hasn't been as bad as it was. But I'm still anxious. It's Friday night, so you know what that means. The next three nights and two days are a free for all. Honestly, I don't know if I'll make it through. Yet I always do my best to try. Given my track record, I should probably hold more faith in myself and my godliness. My life has consisted of at least eight direct experiences of death, as well as several different types of heinous abuse that I experienced throughout my childhood. I'm lucky to be alive. Frankly, if I can survive that, I should be able to survive this, too. Not that I should have to tolerate it in the first place, but there you go. All I want, honestly, is to not be alone - to have a trustworthy person with me right now. I know it's highly unlikely to happen, but still. However, somehow, it really does feel like there is hope. I don't know why, but I do know what I feel - and I feel significantly less ill than I have ov...

Lin Whittington, indeed, did not take me seriously. This is why I wanted someone with me when I went in - to actually make sure I was not only referred, but treated with the utmost urgency. People might believe that my responses are entitlement, but honestly, it's far from it. I know my worth, and I deserve to be respected and my word to be honoured, which means, if I come in with symptoms, that all avenues be explored as soon as possible. Honestly, I just about managed some Marylands today, but besides that, nothing. But I'm craving carbonara, so I may try to have some, depending on how I feel. My caseworker has now properly referred me to social services, which will probably prove to be helpful. Depending on, of course, how well qualified my social worker will be to look after a neurodivergent person. I'm sure they will be. If not, I will complain. After it all, I ended up being given transport home, instead of being taken to Peckwater, which I wish they had asked me abou...

Lin Today has been an advent of unimaginable pain. Currently I am awaiting the second ambulance I've needed this week. I've been left to go alone yet again, so I ended up calling social services. Last time I got dismissed when I definitely should not have been. Honestly, I aim to stay overnight this time. Mainly because then it's more likely that I can get straight onto treatment, but also it means that I can worry about my way home in the morning, as opposed to during the late hours. From what I can see, A&E have decided to put me in the clinical decision ward. Which means that they don't know whether to prioritise my back and abdominal pain, or my mental health. The ambulance crew gave me paracetamol, but my body still feels a certain sense of discomfort. All of my time here thus far has been full of what sounds like angry, shouting male patients. It's kind of funny to think about. Luckily for me, yet again, I have my seal plushie with me to keep me company. E...

Lin The crisis team visited me today. From what they've said, they're referring me back to the Primary Care Team, as I need a longer, more consistent form of treatment. My caseworker also paid a visit. We discussed a few things, including how I was kidnapped a while back, which should help me get moved out faster. Right now, I'm doing my best to maintain a sense of calm, as it sounds like bin boy decided to come here today as well. I'm pretty sure I heard him and his friends being loud in the corridor, which was very triggering for me. Honestly, I'm willing them to leave with all the strength I have. I did put a banishing spell on him, which keeps him at bay most of the time, so that should continue to take effect. Luckily for me, the impulse to commit suicide isn't as present as it was earlier. Even if he is here, so long as I remain in my room, I'll probably be fine. Given that he attempted to tie himself to me spiritually and ruin parts of my ancestral la...

Lin I almost lost my vision last night. Waking up to your sight being blurred more than usual is quite unpleasant. Luckily, a swig of Lucozade helped with that. Honestly though, I'm still very immobile. And it seems that bin boy's attacks on my person most definitely affected my ancestors, just as I had presumed. Frankly, at this point, I'm not even surprised. I was just too anxious and tired to really do anything about it until now. The amount of people who get off on the idea of harming Gods, thinking that they won't receive the consequences of their actions, is laughable. I already know I have thalassaemia, which they can't touch - and it's likely that this arsehole made my ARFID ten times worse than it already was. Not to mention my appearance still hasn't changed, which makes me think I'm going to have to consult either Aphrodite, Aglaia or someone else about its links to said ARFID. Terrence has stayed with me through most of this, as yesterday and...

Lin I'm technically in world's (rickmansworth's) territory. Yet I know, somehow, that I am safe. Sunday morning was the last time I expected or wanted to face my fears, but there we go. And there's a certain irony to sitting in a swerving ambulance listening to Lovely Day by Bob Sinclair whilst having the hypo of your life, but that's another story. Right now, I'm in a separate room (by the Gods' mercy), so whilst it's fairly noisy, I have my own small pocket of peace in the madness that is today. A kind lady just checked most of my vitals, and I'm apparently meant to be getting a blood test soon, which will hopefully check for the disease that my Maman and Granny kept on for safekeeping. Hừa Đại Nương is with me, black sand safeguarding us all, flowers sprouting from her hands. She sits at the end of my hospital bed, making daisy chains out of darkness, and for that, I am grateful. Do you want them to find it now? I nod. Alright. But be prepared for...

Lin Today has been full of calls to ask for help. I literally called 999 on my own for the first time, which was unpleasant, to say the least. Essentially, I got guided in a circle. Honestly, I am significantly better now, but it's still concerning for me. I'll have to message my caseworker to let them know what happened. Besides all of this, my day has been fairly uneventful. As I can't leave my room right now, it makes sense. Usually, I'd read tarot, but I couldn't even do that today. Yet I will always come back here - because knowing that I can express myself somewhere is important. Right now, I'm not sure if I should write much, given the circumstances. But as a God, I will say one thing: I will not be silenced. I know in previous entries I have promised this, but I mean it. I know I'll be alright eventually, and probably more ready to express a lot of my experiences when I'm better. That does not mean I'll remain silent whilst I'm in pain. A...

Lin My head's been alright today, but my body has not. Yet again, I struggle with eating and nausea, and the hunger eats away at me - but for the life of me, I cannot fuel myself consistently. I also got a wicked hot flush this afternoon, and it's had me spend most of my day in bed. Perhaps some of my symptoms have come up as a result of my being more active in my pursuit of recovery, and as a result, my body's reacting to my anxiety lowering due to the medication with much askance. Despite some of this, my symptoms have actually been far less stressful in general, and therefore easier to manage on my own, due to said medication. I managed to change when I took my medication as well this morning, as I am not spending until 4 in the morning unable to sleep during the darker hours. Whilst it still feels like I can't do as much, it feels as though I can do considerably more than I gave myself credit for, once this period of adjustment to my meds wears off. Honestly, I'...

Lin I've realised several things about why my anxiety surrounding both food and money had existed. They were the two main things, aside from time, that the voldys made a point of withholding control over. As I think about it now, I realise that all of my reactions have come from a place of a need to control those things. Far from how bin boy put it, this has been a matter of coping for years for me, especially with regards to food - and it was exacerbated by his entitled behaviour. Looking at it from a rational perspective whilst on meds actually makes it make far more sense. So the voldys made a point of either starving me, underfeeding me, overfeeding or force feeding me at any given time. Whenever I wanted to communicate my needs to them, they would often either be dismissed or punished unless I fought for them, and it was a hugely unfair lottery as to whether or not said needs would be met even after that. All of this has begged questions regarding my self worth, how deserving ...

Lin So far, today has been pretty decent. I took my medication for the first time, and whilst I am a tad on edge, the side effects are bearable. My caseworkers have been cleaning out the office for the past two days, so it's been a bit chaotic.  Not that I mind - I appreciate the company and attention, and I feel my neighbours probably do, too. Though tomorrow, apparently most of the staff, if not all, will be in training. But I do get the sense they'll still be contactable in case of emergencies. Also, the medication seems to have left my spirituality well alone. Which is always a good sign. Honestly, I do feel a little bit fatigued. Yet I feel that's mainly because my body's adjusting to the meds, and the fact that they stabilise my mood. Physically, they have made me feel a teensy bit jittery. However, this feels controllable to me, unlike some situations I've had with my anxiety. Even my hot flushes have somewhat stabilised. Which also feels alien to me, but the...

Lin I got prescribed medication for my anxiety today. The doctor I had was surprisingly helpful, and I actually felt quite safe with him, which is unusual. Keep in mind I did also have my caseworker with me, so there was an added layer of security there. One weird thing did happen, though - he mentioned that the medication I've been prescribed can result in people remembering their dreams more vividly. Given that I was worried that taking medication for my mental health would mean that my spiritual life could be dulled out, somehow, this information brought me relief. Despite me not directly bringing up that concern, it's almost as though my spirit guides knew to push for the answer to that question. Honestly, during the appointment, I was initially going to turn down the medication. But I felt my mouth move to say something different. Whoever that was in system looking out for me, trugarez. Learning stuff about my caseworker was also nice. Coincidentally, they live in the same...

Lin Last night, I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. The NHS ended up calling me a literal ambulance team, because my situation was so severe. Said ambulance team were wonderful, and actually helped me get some quick action in on getting me support, as well as getting me food for until tomorrow, when I get my ready meals. For a while last night, I was flailing, trying to grab onto whoever I could, because I was scared. Sleeping helped, I think. It helped that the dream I had related to my Gaulish ancestry, as I've felt a tad detached from it lately. Admittedly, the dream was strange, and I don't feel I should say any more about it, but I am curious, as it pointed to a specific province in Gaulish land, so I may follow that. My new caseworker was also around to help today, which helped significantly. Now that things are going to happen, I feel like I can take it easy. I've also been having a lot of dreams about insects recently, specifically ones that can sting. ...

Lin Someone showed up in my dreams that I least expected last night. It was after the decision I made to do my best to focus on myself after everything that bin boy has done to me. Essentially, I refused to clean up his mess, and he invaded my room and pulled my throw off of me just to say that he wondered if I ever had a thought in that 'empty head'. Knowing my past, and him, those were not his words - they were borrowed, or stolen, much like everything else he has in life. Trying to reason with someone as bull headed as him was never going to get anywhere, and adding narcissism on top ups the ante to ten. No wonder I acted upon previous trauma responses - he applied knowledge that he got from meeting the voldys on how to trigger me. All of the gaslighting still affects me now, but the more I shed light on these things and do my best to move on, the clearer it becomes that he just wants attention, as opposed to being honest. Because of this, I'm going to do my best to focu...