God In The Gloam

Lin My mental health practitioner tried some shady shit over yesterday and today. Honestly, I didn't want to mention it, as the whole thing has made me a lot angrier than I like to be at any given time, but I also feel that this takes precedence over pleasing anyone with regards to how I write this blog, which is, first and foremost, for me - even if I do choose to share it with people. So she decided to not email me with confirmation of our next appointment, and so I ended up being notified yesterday that I was supposed to have an appointment today. Now this may not initially sound insidious, but I have reason to believe it was in an attempt to force me into a neurotypical box. Last time we met, she basically went roughshod over my fears of going out, and blamed me for having a negative outlook surrounding going out, as well as my current needs encompassing it, including having someone with me when I do go out, such as a caseworker. During that appointment, she tried to push me in...

Lin It seems that the advice I gave Hypnos yesterday worked, because now a bleary eyed Endymion and a particularly ecstatic Selene sit in my living room. Selene smiles at me. Ευχαριστώ, dear cousin. I mirror her facial expression in a somewhat more tired manner. Παρακαλώ. I turn to Endymion. Do you have any idea who tried to put you into eternal sleep? He frowns, rubbing his eyes. All I know is that the man who made the deal with me came to me in the guise of Zeus. I will admit though, something didn't feel right. I raise an eyebrow curiously. In what way? For a brief moment, he looks to Selene, who puts her hand on his arm, and nods. He turns back to me. Whoever he was, I couldn't sense any lightning in his aura. Like, at all.  With you, it's insanely obvious, just like your father and uncle. It's similar to how I can sense the Moon in Selene.  But whoever this man was, he didn't have a godly aura. It was heavy. If that was the case, then why did you take him up on...

Lin I had a very interesting dream last night. Not only did I finally get my say against bin boy, did I also get a fly (which was annoying me) eaten by a crow, which did not feel like one of one eye's spies. Somehow it all feels like a good omen. Though I have been avoiding a few of my problems by sleeping, which isn't exactly the best way to go about it. It's alright sometimes, but you've had your moments. Yia, Hypnos. He's visiting? Then again, most people are probably asleep now here, so this shouldn't really come as a surprise to me. Besides, it took us ages to break that Sleeping Beauty curse bullshit - and whilst I absolutely love sleeping, I would never want anyone locked in it forever. Endymion, though? He sighs, rubbing his eyes. That was a deal he made with a fake God that at the time, I could do nothing about. Not to mention that he loved Selene back, and she never got to find out. I raise my eyebrows. This guy was given immortal sleep and no one has ...

Lin So I've done several tarot and oracle card readings today. And it's interesting what advice I've been given with regards to what I asked about. For instance, I was basically told that I was right about my anxiety with regards to going out at the moment. Which, ironically, a lot of people (not least my mental health practitioner, as well as my UC work coach) have dismissed as me either making it into a self fulfilled prophecy, or basing my actions surrounding the situation off of unfounded anxiety. (Do keep in mind that last time I went out on my own for an extended period of time, an ambulance had to be called because I was essentially in shock.) Frankly, whilst it has been about four or five months since the incident, and slightly more than that since whatever bin boy did to me spiritually that got me to that point, I still have a way to go. If memory serves me correctly, the timing of all this isn't up to me, so there's not really much I can do about it but pr...

Lin My sleep cycle is utterly fucked up. I stayed up all night and into the morning until about quarter to 12. At this point, my sleep cycle is so inconsistent that doing a normal job is out of the question. So I ended up deciding on potentially doing something that could change my life forever. The job I'm thinking about would incorporate almost everything I want to do, whilst also managing said things. Not to mention that if I did it right, everyone would get paid fairly, and the rules on social interaction would ensure that things are safe for everyone. Working on projects like these, whether they be small or large, make me believe more and more that I can indeed use the energy I have to do whatever I please. Furthermore, it's been teaching me about how to take care of myself. As it should. Rhiannon walks in and takes a seat alongside me. It's been a while, hasn't it? She nods, taking a sip of what looks like hot chocolate. I just wanted to say, Lin, that if you ever...

Lin It seems that I've been deceived. One of rickmansworth's 'eyes' has been in our system the whole time. From what I can tell, luckily, he genuinely seems to want to redeem himself, so I've given him probably the most perilous task possible for him. But he will no longer be a hostage, nor will his family be, so the finger is off the trigger for him. For now. He's someone I've known for a long time - for lifetimes. It looks as though his boundaries have gotten really bad since being under rickmansworth. With time, he'll learn again. The whole situation caught me completely offguard, as there is history there, and I know some of that has been more than being solely friends. And remembering that has made this all the more painful for me. Come to think of it, a few past lovers have shown up in system recently. Quite a few of them have been femme, I might add. It's like I'm seeing the whole system for the first time (again). My whole view of what is...

Lin I may or may not have thrown off my entire sleep schedule waiting for a reply from my housing officer. Which was a bit weird, given the lacklustre response from them. Turns out that I forgot to mention that I changed my name in the time that I settled here, and so I'll have to reveal my dead name for the second time it's been uncovered recently. Last time, it was identified by my mental health practitioner, who found it in my medical records. No matter which way you put it, the whole thing is uncomfortable. But I'll live. Other than that, I'm happy today. I bought some tools for my work, and another festival bun for myself, because Ole & Steen are master pastry chefs. Admittedly, I did have a few moments where I felt gross, but quite a few people, especially Hermes, doubled down on the silliness and taking the piss out of the attempted persecution, which was decent of them. Ya, they're a bunch of mad lads, my cousins - and I love them. And we'll keep bei...

Lin I had an interesting experience last night. That was also very unpleasant. As I was trying to search through some of my old photographs on my phone for material that I could use in my subliminals, I came across a lot of snapshots of my experience during the Summer Of Darkness. For a while, I couldn't get myself out of that funk, despite being proud of myself for coming so far. Eventually, said funk almost consumed me to the point of being sucked back into the horror that was that situation, and I had to enlist help. What we found was not only shocking, but mortifying. Given the circumstances though, it wasn't surprising. As it turns out, someone (likely rickmansworth) put an arcane dei-it into my heart. So, for those who don't know, a dei-it is usually a creature that is a godly familiar. However, this particular dei-it was corrupted by a specific kind of dark magic. This is known as arcane interference. That poor creature was likely another God's familiar previousl...

Lin   Weirdly, today I feel like mentioning the yoghurt I'm eating right now. Somehow I know that it was a brand that my Maman used to buy me as a kid. I don't know how I know, but I do. There's something about the whole thing of me talking about it that makes me feel like there's more to it than just the yoghurt. All I can attest to is what I'm being given information wise, and I'm not sure it would be wise of me to divulge any further. I have been a lot more relaxed and able to engage in things I enjoy today, though. Earlier, I was able to put on some music and not feel too stressed out, which makes me think that I'm improving somewhat, even if right now, I'm struggling to do things by myself. Ok, I just wrote a song about wanting to end someone's existence. I'll leave it up to you to guess who. But in all seriousness, it's better that I express it through a medium of art than end up actually doing it and therefore ruining my life. Besides,...

Lin   Another day, another realisation. This time, it's a whole lot heavier. I figured out that the voldys felt like my real parents owed them something, due to what they believed to be some form of 'soul connection'. Now I know that it's likely to be a huge pile of bullshit that isn't based in reality, but given the way they treated me too, it wouldn't surprise me. For me, my entire life was spent being treated like I owed the people around me solely for existing. My neurodivergency was just the icing on the cake, because it gave everyone something to blame and make further accusations of debt upon due to their lack of experience, and common sense, on how to actually look after neurodivergent people, especially children. With that in mind, I fully believe that if anything, all of those who mistreated me, intentionally or not, owe me for their mistakes on how I was treated and cared for. Everyone who truly failed me will know what it feels like to burn. Remember...

Lin So I've yet again found something to reflect upon. Today, I've realised that the idea of getting a job has felt scary for me because the ways I had of earning money before I left were essentially back breaking. I did say a few times on this blog that the voldys used me as a glorified servant, but I don't think that I adequately explained the extent to which I suffered at their hands within that regard. Oftentimes the services I had to do were after school, and so I almost always had a ridiculous amount to do on top of trying to complete schoolwork and self care tasks like brushing my teeth, or taking a shower. As a result, I would return home from school, college or university, and be treated with a high level of disdain as a result of needing physical rest or general self care from both the travelling and working I had done for the day. Ridiculed and abused, I usually bent to their will, and there were sometimes days that I'd stay up until midnight or 1am to get th...

Lin Yet another day has been relatively uneventful. Unless you count the work that I'm doing now, which I can't talk about. Put it this way, it's for my own good. And surprisingly, between things, I managed to prioritise my own health, which is always a step in the right direction. There's so much I have yet to do. There's so much I want to do. For now though, I ought to focus on being consistent with regards to keeping on top of my health. Really, after everything I've experienced, and knowing now what the results of my lack of wellbeing have led to, my wellbeing is king.   Which has meant that sometimes, I've had to focus on banishing things that don't serve me in my life. Sometimes, they are habits. Oftentimes, they are people. Here I am, again, cleaning up a mess that wasn't even mine to begin with. But it's better than leaving the mess around to trip over later down the line. And making sure my life is tidy is a valuable use of my time. Now ...

Lin Discovering yet another one of your epithets in the midst of research is surreal, but funny. I now know one of my nicknames (which is still being used) was used in one of my mother's sanctuaries over two thousand years ago, so this is fun. The whole situation is actually making me think of who I want to be, what qualities I want to foster within myself, and the habits I should keep to best impact my wellbeing. Especially given that many of my abusers undermined and undervalued me and my time, as well as dismissing, ignoring or even punishing me for my needs based upon what suited them at the time. What do I want, based upon what I don't want? Probably depends on what I'm looking at. For starters, I am beginning to eat better. Or at least, it looks to be that I am. Mainly because I want to, and I've realised that I deserve to be able to make use of my time to do that. Other things may well come later, but I've also figured out that the huge expanse of time to mys...

Lin I've realised something huge about how I relate to time. It seems that I have equated taking time for basic self care and taking care of my own needs with ridicule, reprimands and punishment. Yet another thing that explains the way I interact with shared spaces, and certain people. Taking care of my own needs has almost always been followed with some sort of guilt tripping or ridicule by someone else. And because of that, I've internalised this idea of my existence as being a burden upon all I encounter, including myself.  Not to mention all of this being tied to my PDD diagnosis, which has also made seeking help far more difficult. I'm mulling some of this over, and the session I had with my mental health practitioner yesterday, and I figure that yet again, I'm right. The whole situation was deeper than CBT would ever actually go, and would therefore be nothing but a wet cloth on a stab wound. Literally all of this, along with the voldys' manipulation surroundi...

Lin Today's blog is likely to be the most controversial thing that I'll ever write. And before anyone says anything, no, I'm not mad, I've just found some serious causality shit going on and now I've realised how ironic it is that everyone who harmed me was basically calling me selfish. So I've figured out now that a lot of what's happened (especially horrible things) in what places I know to be my ancestral lands, has happened as a result of attacks directed at me and my family spiritually, as well as general attacks and hailstones dropped on me and my wellbeing. Now, hear me out. Bloodlines and homelands are very often intrinsically connected, especially if you are a God - and so if someone decides to level shit at you and therefore make it harder for you (and potentially your family) to do certain jobs, more often than not, your people will suffer for it. Which also explains why rickmansworth made a point of throwing vitriol at me and abusing me in the fi...

Lin So now I actually know why the voldys kidnapped me. One or both of the voldys held a grudge against my parents, and so decided to use me as leverage. Because the voldys felt weak, they thought that using me would mean that they would have power over my family. It is utterly sickening. They were such misers that they didn't truly see my value or properly take care of me, so I learned not to, either. No wonder I'm struggling with the idea of self worth and how much value myself and my needs hold in life. Also, it explains why I reacted so badly to bin boy. He was pushing a button with regards to self worth about how much I should have because he himself couldn't imagine himself having it, and so didn't want anyone else, including me, to have it either. Living with the voldys was exactly like that - I was always given all the hand-me-downs that voldy jnr had grown out of (even underwear), I was expected to not ask for what I needed or wanted and to not kick up a fuss i...

Lin It's been pretty quiet today. In a way, it's nice, but also kind of eerie. Honestly, I wish that I felt I could do more, but I don't right now. And maybe, right now, that's ok. I am a God, doing their best, given the circumstances - that's all that matters. I'm treating myself with gentleness now, as I know that few other people will do that for me. That way, I choose the score, and I can therefore come out of this period of my life with more support, and happier than ever. Just because I'm now an adult, doesn't mean that I don't need help, too. At least, for now, anyway. Now I've realised something about myself, too. People tend to assume a lot of loaded things about me, but especially with regards to my financial situation. This may very well be to do with the fact that my natal Pluto is in my second house, which is of money. It would also explain my highs and lows regarding money, and how well I treat myself as a result of it, besides the ...

Lin It sounds like bin boy was here today, and I'm pretty sure of it this time. I was very anxious about it, until I put a subliminal on to help. Now, I actually feel pretty relaxed. Today has been pretty peaceful besides his presence, which can only be a good thing. For now, I'm going to do my best to focus on my own needs and self care until Monday rolls around. So, only one more day until then. Realistically, I'll probably be safe for now. When tomorrow comes, I'll be gentle with myself. I get this weird sense that a time of hardships is almost over. And to be honest, it's about time. In the nemeton, I've spent most of the day curled up on Terrence's lap.  I don't know how he doesn't get fed up of me. Lin, you realise it's impossible for me to get fed up of you, right? He sighs. I'm in love with you, and have been for tens of billions of years. This love is staying right where it is. He snuggles against me, and I smile. Trugarez. For what,...

Lin Today has been very strange. I've been having especially vivid dreams, and I struggled to eat as much as I have for the past few days. I did eat cake, but besides that, I haven't had anything else. I do have pizza, but I'm a bit too anxious to eat it, as I thought I heard bin boy and his friends in the house earlier. I do think they weren't planning on staying for long, though, especially given that they know I'm around. Well I just went to the toilet, and it doesn't seem like they're around, so that's good. For Friday night, it's quiet here. Then again, my new neighbour had a date with her boyfriend, so I suppose it shouldn't be too surprising. Also, I want to eat, but I don't think I can. The worst part about it is that my body feels like utter shit because I didn't order in food earlier, as I ended up taking a nap, and so my body is retaliating whilst I'm simultaneously experiencing some form of panic attack. I'm scared.  S...

Lin Something came up today that resulted in me having to consider how I take care of my body food wise. It turns out that most of the ready meals I have left have gone rancid. So until next Wednesday, I'm going to have to find some cheap alternatives and/or takeout to feed myself with until the matter can be sorted. This situation is actually kind of stressful, but is also my fault, given that I didn't make a point of storing those meals properly before eating them. Naturally, there is a lesson in this. The main one being that I need to ensure that I do what I can to conserve that which needs conserving for the sake of my future health. I cannot and will not repeat the awful process I went through last night of having to painfully sit on the toilet, as well as in bed, whilst my body processed food that had very obviously gone bad. The smell likely wasn't pleasant for my housemates, either. Really, I should have taken the vinegary taste to mean that a lot of those meals wer...

Lin Today I realised something about how I'd been keeping my room, and how I have viewed tidiness and cleanliness up until now. Because the voldys didn't hold me in high value as a living being, they used my room as storage, and then when my room wasn't tidy as a result of that, blamed me for the room being 'like a pig sty', or some other insult of that nature. Now they were no paragons of cleanliness themselves - mrs voldy deliberately forewent mass avoidance measures with regards to cleaning in an attempt to push mr voldy into pitching in with regards to the chores. The living room, up until I was about 12 or 13, was an absolute tip, full of lots of different objects piled one on top of the other - quite a lot of them being toys. It was one of the main reasons why mrs voldy never wanted to have visitors. Ironically, most of the blame for the mess went onto me, when in reality, I was being forced to share a room with an older sibling who hogged most of the room. I ...

Lin   My period decided to start ten days early. The entirety of last night and parts of today have been spent in pain. I don't know if this sudden occurrence is due to stress, sickness or something else, though I do get the weird sense that it may relate to the libation I gave yesterday and today. Given the circumstances surrounding said libation that I can't yet speak of, I wouldn't rule it out. Once I'm able to mention it on this blog, I will. Some of the Hindu Goddesses, specifically Kali, Lakshmi, Parvati and Saraswati decided to visit today. They seem to be worried about me and the fact that I look like the walking dead, which at this point, doesn't surprise me. My new neighbour said I looked pale, too, so I may very well need to see someone about it. Either way, they're very insistent that I take some rest. As is my Maman, who isn't happy with the timing of all of this, but figures it's better that it happens now than on the same day as my GP appo...

Lin Today has made me very happy. I managed to speak to my new neighbour again, and it's made me really happy. Like, so happy. I even ate food with her, which I enjoyed (though I couldn't eat lots of it because it was spicy...).  She did warn me, so it's my fault, lol. We seem to have a lot in common, so I think we'll get along. When she talked about getting people out of their shell, she really did mean it. A deshelling, of sorts, anyway. I am a bit tipsy though, as I drank a libation to the Gods, so I ought to be careful. Eating will probably help, but I need to be careful of what I choose to eat. Carbing up will probably be best. That'll probably soak up most of the alcohol. I haven't even finished the libation yet, which makes this even more ironic. Usually I'm fairly good at holding my drink, but obviously today wasn't a time to be good at that. I won't say what the libation was for, but what I will say is that it'll change everything. I who...

Lin Weirdly, I feel a lot better today. Sundays always feel like a relief whilst I'm here, as I know that on Monday, I can speak to a caseworker about anything that might concern me. I managed to eat again, which is always great. The steak meals I get are always delicious. Also, I had a very strange dream last night. I spent some time with an old friend from primary school, basically window shopping, and we ended up going into this large shopping centre, but it had almost become decrepit and full of birds. Before I woke up, I saw a starling dying. It was dying, and there was nothing I could do for it. The first person I was reminded of was Branwen. I hate to think that my cousin could have been in danger, but especially by the possibility of me seeing this old friend of mine. I say this, but this friend did play devil's advocate for the voldys in a way when we last had a phone call. Which was more than three years ago now. Even so, I think it's important that I keep that ki...

Lin I had a weird dream earlier today about one of my ex friends from college and a good friend of mine from university. This ex friend is actually someone I used to be insanely jealous of, because she seemed to have basically everything handed to her, as well as getting a large amount of attention despite being fairly average at what she did at the time. If I'm honest, my main roots of upset at her didn't actually come from jealousy - it was more anger. Anger at her ingratitude towards what she had, anger towards her self centredness, her self serving way of handling people, anger at how little she paid attention to those she claimed to care about. There's a lot I don't like about her. Now, none of these things necessarily make her a bad person overall, but she definitely wasn't friend material. In this dream, the good friend of mine from university I was talking about confessed his love to her. There are several reasons why I was mad about this: 1. I saw this girl...