God In The Gloam

Lin So I have blown all of my money trying to get rich. The voldys really put the idea of lack into my brain whilst stealing my money from underneath me. It's my New Year's resolution now to earn plenty if money so that I can afford my lifestyle, and afford the kind of life that I want. I know I can win. I mean, I won £5 on the Thunderball draw last night, and I won £3 on Forest of Fortune, even if I did blow it all. Things must be changing somehow if I'm actually winning. They say that money talks, but wealth whispers. So I'm going to keep my most specific goals to myself. Luckily now, I don't have to worry about food, as I ordered a load of stuff from FieldGoods, that should tide me over for the next week or so. Unfortunately my shipment isn't meant to come in until the 4th, so I'll have to make do until then. Which I probably can. I've had to live with less than what I have now before.  Today, if I find the energy, I want to make a roast to celebrate ...

Lin It seems that I have become what I was trying to avoid being. I bought a ticket for Euromillions again. I didn't want the association with mrs voldy, but I've been told that it's been debugged, so I'll be ok. I'm scared, mainly because I know that I've been doing all of this out of desperation. For once in my life, I want a major win. One that I don't have to fight for. Having a few million pounds would make a lot of difference in my life. It's quite literally life changing money. I wouldn't have to worry about anything, least of all food. If there was any good time for me to get lucky, now would be the time. I'll win eventually, I just don't want to go through the years struggling when I could be happy. And I know some people would ask why I'm not just happy with what I've got, but it's not me being a miser about everything. The reason behind all of this is because I've been abused so badly that all my wins turned to loss...

Lin I felt a very profound sense in the early hours of this morning. And from there, I knew what I needed to do. I made the Gods' Brew. Somehow now, I have a renewed sense of hope in my heart that things will go well. I've felt so sad and powerless for so long, but this immense feeling seems to reign supreme, despite those feelings still lingering. I don't want to be afraid any more. It feels as though there's something bigger that I'm not seeing, something at my core that isn't clear to me. Whatever it is, I want to find it. Wait. I think I know part of what it is. It's about being useful to other people. I don't need to be useful to be deserving of existence. But, more than that, I don't need to feel ashamed of needing others that are useful to me when I can't be useful myself. Essentially... I don't need to do this alone. I need a circle. And that's exactly what I've done. I've made room for a circle. I won't be alone any m...

Lin I've been asking for a lot recently. Praying often is an unusual thing for me to do, but it's felt like I've had no other choice. Maybe it's just me, but the onset of the Christmas period seems to have made me more desperate. Especially now that I've realised that I may have agoraphobia after what bin boy did to me. I just want to live. And I'm betting all my chips on the idea that someday, I will. And in that moment, I'll no longer be afraid. I know what I'm going to do with some of my money, but I won't say it here. But it is a common sense thing to do in order to stay rich. I actually feel a lot better. It might just be the large amount of Bailey's I drank.  Whatever it's caused by, I can only assume it's a good thing. I deserve to be happy. I'm thinking of learning Welsh properly soon. When I move to Wales, I want to make sure that I can speak with the locals, and the more I know, the better. I also want to continue with my Ma...

Lin I watched the first two Guardians Of The Galaxy movies yesterday. I realised then just how much I relate to Nebula and Gamora. It made me reevaluate yet again my shitty upbringing and how many horrible beliefs about life it brought into my existence. And for the first time, I can actively, confidently say that the abuse I suffered wasn't my fault. Because I could attribute the blame for both Nebula and Gamora's abuse to Thanos. That is a huge step for me, in a lot of ways, as whilst I absolutely have condemned abuse before, this example felt more complicated. Being forced to fight your adoptive sibling only to get dismembered if you lose isn't great. I'm excited for this week, honestly. I'm feeling lucky. I don't feel nearly as tired as I did, and I think I'll be much more able to travel, or at least walk outside of the house, if there is a need for it. Which there probably won't be, but I would like to be able to take a walk every now and again. Als...

Lin My period has made me really tired recently. I feel the pain that I've been experiencing lately is a bi product of stress and potentially not listening to subliminals that could relieve my pain. To be honest, I ought to make the subliminal that will bring my dòngmâl body back to me. I was never meant to be born into a female body. The fact that I was forced to choose female almost every time I lived, at this point, is absurd. I never wanted this. Now that I know there is something else I can be, I can reprogram myself to have the kind of body I was supposed to incarnate into in the first place. Knowing that now makes me feel so much better. Also knowing that I can now give this to other people is reassuring. I'm not the only one who's been fucked over in this situation. Yesterday was nice. I got to spend Christmas with my Da, Maman and Olly. The time spent with family during these times is always great. I drank quite a bit. But that's to be expected. You've real...

Lin I don't think I've cried so much in a long time. It seems that my prayers do get answered when need be, but I've reached the point of desperation. Ironically, I did win the lottery. It was the lowest prize though, £5, so I invested into some more draws throughout the week. Figured it couldn't hurt. The draws I've invested into now are Set For Life, Lotto and Thunderball. I'm sure I'll win at least one of them, given the distribution of tickets I put in. My body is itching to play an instant game again, but I won't do it. I remember what happened last time, and I won't be experiencing it a second time. I'm not about to waste my money again. What I do know is that the money I don't win goes to charity, so even if it does all go tits up, I can say that my money went to a good place. It's always a good thing when people get what they need. Which is also why I round up money to give to the Trussel Trust (who invest in local food banks) whe...

Lin I'm feeling much better today than I was yesterday. I'm still a bit tired, but I'm in much less pain than I was. I entered myself in for both the Thunderball and Lotto last night. I'm thinking that if I gamble, I should only gamble once a month. That way, I don't get addicted, nor spend too much at once. It then becomes more rooted in routine than desperation, and so I can break out of it at any point if I feel it no longer works for me. Winning either one would be nice, but that's never a guarantee. At least I can say that I have a chance, unlike with Euromillions, which I won't be playing again because of the ties to mrs voldy. I also bought a ridiculously expensive Yule log, which I had a slice of with some Bailey's. I figured that if I were to die tomorrow, I'd regret not buying it. No clue why that thought ran through my head, but I decided to go with it. I am in a fairly relaxed state now. I haven't yet started on the Essences I plan on...

Lin I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I think this is all to do with me being on my period. I also have a splitting headache, which is not helping. Screw this, honestly. Rest. Auntie? Yes, it's me. Now rest. I have a whole meal I haven't finished and an Amazon package to collect. And? And maybe, that's exactly the point. She gently ruffles my hair. You don't need to overexert yourself for the sake of getting the blog done, no matter how lazy you think you are for not getting it done. Moon bloods are supposed to indicate for you to take times of rest. And I know this is a worse experience as a dóngmâl person, given that all the processes, organs and hormones are wrong, but the main principle remains. Put your welfare first. I feel myself welling up. Trugarez, Aunt Artio. Of course. Get well now. I will.

Lin Today I'm writing the blog a lot later than I would have liked. But in a way, it's a good thing. It means that I can talk about what happened today in great detail. Though there's nothing like writing the blog in the morning. Anyway, today saw me and my caseworker manage to register interest in some properties. Quite a few, actually, in places that would make me happy, and would be close enough to university when the time came that I'd be able to go. Realistically, I need to get out of here before the new neighbour moves into Room 2. I don't know for sure if that will happen or when, but I hope it does. The last thing I need is another dispute with a neighbour. I actually spoke to Nishat about the situation with my nice neighbour, and they seemed to take it as him teasing me more than anything else. So I would think that I'm in the clear for the most part with everyone aside from bin boy, who we know likes to chat shit anyway, whether he's right or wrong...

Lin It's about ten to six in the morning. I don't think I've ever felt like this at such a time in my life. This desperation fills my every waking hour, and now I'm not sure what I can do about it. I started praying, and then, I started crying. I spoke of a pain that I'd tried my best to bury. Being here is not for my benefit any more. Right now, I'm listening to The Raven That Refused To Sing by Steven Wilson, because it's somehow cleaning everything away that I no longer need. I think this pain has mounted up as I've had no one to speak to. It's ironic, a God praying at their own altar, for their own salvation. Honestly, it's a sad picture. Part of this is probably because of how my neighbour treated me yesterday. Overall he's not a bad person, but I was caught majorly offguard. I'll be honest, it kind of hurt. We had been friends before this point, so I would've thought that he'd have told me, instead of blaming me for all inst...

Lin I don't know how I'm still awake, but I am. I want the snow back. Recently it's been getting too warm again, so I'd like to see a proper winter. Either way, I think this holiday will be fun. I'm meant to be having a house meeting today with the other residents (well, some of them).  I doubt that bin boy will show up if I do. I actually found a subliminal that really helped with some of my anxiety. Their whole channel gives me vibes of 'this will work', and I love it. I feel like subliminals are like prescription medicine doses, in a way. Some formulae may work for others but not you, and some may work to varying degrees, depending on what affects you most. And sometimes, it won't always be what you make that works best for you. Tomorrow I'm meant to be getting my ready meals. I'm genuinely excited for those. It'll mean that I won't have to think too hard about feeding myself for a while. Which, right now, is what I need to be able to ...

Lin I slept in for most of today. Ironic, given that today is the start of Yule. I want to go out and treat myself, but I'm not sure how physically ready for that my body is. And if I travel again knowing that I haven't eaten, I don't know if my body will be better or worse for it. I may have a night out tomorrow, on Wednesday or on Thursday. I haven't decided yet. I may do it on Friday to give an up-yours to mr voldy. I also realised something about something that bin boy said to me about 'his past', which makes me wonder if he was telling the truth, or pulling yet another story out from my book. He could very well have been telling the truth, but given his penchant for lying, I'm starting to doubt the validity of most of his claims. He mentioned, in an attempt to gaslight me, that his father 'tried to kill him'. Now, I don't know why he felt the need to use this in particular to gaslight me with. Unless he knew about my own experiences. That sp...

Lin I think we figured out something huge about some remaining programming in system. And I managed to reconfigure the entire thing. We were running on the wrong languages, and I had to essentially do a whole reboot of everything, because some of the imagery coming out was utterly disgusting. I'd rather not have to revisit that. Also, I finally dealt with bin boy once and for all. And if he hasn't felt the effects of that already, he will. I'm actually feeling really tired today. I was trying to stay up late to eat the remainders of my Five Guys takeout, but in the end, I chose to sleep, as I was exhausted as it was. It's weird, because despite having not gone out in more than a month, I get tired by doing some of the simplest things. Probably a sign that I need to get out more, depending on how much I can deal with before I trigger a panic attack. On Tuesday, we're meant to be having a house meeting. Given that I dealt with bin boy, and that I said I'd be there...

Lin I haven't properly started on the process for my customer on my Etsy shop yet, but I will. Once they pay, that is. But of course, that all depends on what their spirit guides tell me is the best course of action for them. If it ends up that they could use my help, then I'll do it. If not, then I won't. It really sounds like this person has a gambling addiction though, which may mean that they'll need to go to someone else for spiritual cleansing or rehab first. If that's the case, then I won't be able to help them until they do that. It's enough that I've already had to avoid gambling myself as a result of this exact kind of desperation, let alone having to also serve a customer with that exact problem. Either way, they'll have to wait for me to do a reading for them first. Then, depending on whether or not I can do the spell for them and the energy, they'll have to either get healing first, or pay. I don't work for free. Life has also be...

Lin Everything seems to be working out well for me today. I overslept, and my caseworker ended up being not only late, but having to cancel because of an emergency at another house. I was fast asleep when they were originally supposed to see me, so I'm relieved that I didn't miss anything. It's like things deliberately made way for me. I'm lucky, in a way, that I got into manifestation so early. I didn't realise when I first got into it how much it would impact my mental health. Manifestation helped me to learn how to love myself. The irony is, when I did begin to love myself, I found myself seeking better treatment than what the voldys gave me. They thought seeing me happy would mean 'easy to deal with' but Gods they were so wrong. They didn't want me to be happy, they wanted me to seem happy so that they didn't have to deal with their own bullshit. Essentially, they didn't want to take accountability for their actions, and if I was 'happy...

Lin I've been praying since last night that I can find a way out of here. I know it may take longer than I would like, but I need to move out of here as soon as possible, for the sake of my own safety. Luckily for me, I don't have a Universal Credit appointment today. Which means I don't have to worry about going out or answering my phone, really. I will have to call the GP tomorrow, though. My mental health in relation to going out, despite me loving going out, has not been all that brilliant recently. I'll have to find some way of getting myself to do it anyway.  There are a few places that I enjoy going to, and Christmas in those places tend to have lovely decorations, so if I go, it might help me to reconcile it with myself. I'm trying to think of which one would make me happier, but given that last time I was in either of those places that I was vegan, I can't say. I think I'd enjoy it anyway. Heck, I'd probably enjoy it even more. I'm actually ...

Lin One of my online friends has vented to me about suicide again. As someone who has experienced it, ruminating on it really isn't worth it. And whilst it is easier said than done to get out of it, I'm not sure that I have the energy to drag this person out of this one.  As much as I want to help, I have problems of my own. That, and the person I'm speaking to is a few thousand miles away, which means that I'd have to buy a plane ticket to get to them if I wanted to see them, and that's not the kind of thing I have the money or time for, let alone the mental capacity. Last time I walked outside of my own front door, I had several panic attacks. I don't particularly want to do that again. I care, but first and foremost, my body, my mind, my spirit, and everything else that comes with me, are sacred. My sanctity of being is sacred. And that is the first thing I must work on in order to be able to help anyone else - my own sanctity. That is my first priority. I wa...

Lin I had a slightly uncomfortable dream last night. I saw an old 'friend' from secondary school who had once confessed to having a crush on me. Me being me, I was always sort of unobtainable, so I think a lot of the boys at school wanted to be able to say that they'd dated me. Maybe I'm more of a catch than I think I am. But this was different. I knew I shouldn't have said I wanted to go with him. But I did. Then I got into the back of his car. He then mentioned to his friend (who I didn't actually see the face of) that he didn't want anyone else to see that I was pretty but him. He's the same as the rest of them. I suppose I should have expected it, given that he was one of the three boys at school who molested two of the popular girls in my year, who I was well acquainted with. We're still in contact now, barely. I actually stopped hanging out with that boy because of what he did. I made my position very clear. I guess it hits harder now because I...

Lin I'm making myself yet another ramyeon bowl. It's absolutely freezing. It turns out that it has snowed, as Chione said, and I get the feeling that whilst this may not turn into an ice age, that it will help bring the Earth somewhat back to normal. Whilst it does, I'll be sitting by the kitchen radiator. Only joking. But from what I can tell, I made this happen. Or at least, helped to. The climate change programming was never supposed to exist. Weirdly, I get the sense that the seasons have been recalibrated to what they're supposed to be, somehow, and that I was a part of it. I do wonder if this was what Asteria meant by me not having to go through anything or do anything for bin boy to get his comeuppance. I won't doubt that this is part of it in some weird way. I'm excited. I haven't felt this able to do things, let alone in my kitchen, for a long time. This probably means that I'm getting better, and if it does, then I'm so glad. I just ate, an...

Lin I feel so much better than I have in a long time. I was actually able to make ramyeon for breakfast without panicking, which is always a plus. I'm also starting a new automated dropshipping business, which I'm really excited about. If I get good business, then I may very well be able to move wherever I want to. For now though, I'm just going to set up my business and see what happens. Whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy building up my enterprise. The other thing about that is that at some point, no matter where they go, those who have abused me won't be able to stop seeing or hearing about me. Just imagining their outrage at my success and not being able to reap the benefits of any of it sparks so much joy. I just watched Up on my own for the first time. Not being around abusive people has actually helped me be able to appreciate art, especially music and movies, a lot more than I used to. Cinema Therapy has also helped with this, which I appreciate. It made me...

Lin I'm going to buy myself some ready meals to last me for the next two weeks. Now that one of my found family has sold something on my behalf, I can get some extra things to keep me comfortable. I have been suggested this kind of thing before, but I want to do it my way. Until I move out, I want my use of the kitchen to be as stress free as possible. Also, I just found out that I come from yet another royal dynasty. Initially I had believed that they may have found Brân's body because of the name they used, but it seems that it's another Hungarian dynasty. Either way, great for me. Another royal house for the books. This is what I meant by 'above the ladder'. Almost no one has that many noble and royal houses to their name unless they are a God of some kind. I am preparing to move very soon. I have no word yet from anyone, including my caseworker, but I want to be sure that I'll be able to go as soon as possible, and the more I take care of myself, the better....

Lin Yesterday, I attempted to read my oracle cards for some more clues about my family, due to some things that came up relating to my DNA. The response I got was to essentially move on. At least, for now. My mood has been a lot more somber since, given that the idea of being so much as related to the voldys makes me want to take my skin off. It's not pleasant. But I also understand why I'm being told that I need to focus elsewhere. I already have enough anxiety to be dealing with in terms of basic, practical self care, as well as my life at large. My ancestry, in terms of finding out who my real parents are, is probably the last thing I should be looking at now. Either way, I don't feel good about the whole situation. I have to make the best of it, somehow. I am a God, a person, complete and whole, with or without my family, wherever they are, whoever they may be. I'm definitely extroverted, though, so I'll need to find some new social groups soon. The more in pers...

Lin I have claimed Brighton. This will be fun to explain. It turns out that Brighton was initially settled by our people, so technically the ancestral spirits who reside there who are actually native to the area would be Brythonic. Which meant that I could stake a claim to the area. If it works, it's now mine. If not, then it's probably fine anyway. But I'm glad I got ahead of it this time, because I could. There is a possibility that it's owned by one of my family members, if not me, but I highly doubt that. It has literally been listed as the UK's most 'godless' city.  Well... Not any more. My thought is that Rickmansworth intended to lure me there as a way of getting me back into the cult fold, but he seems to have forgotten the detail about my ancestry. Having that amount of spiritual gunk in your head will do that. A place being godless, from what I know, is supposed to prevent any Gods in that area from using their powers. Well fat chance of that happe...

Lin I have a risky but awesome idea for my books. If I can, I want to publish them in all six Celtic languages. I want to publish them in as many endangered languages as I can, but the Celtic languages hold a special place in my heart, as I know that they have few places to broadcast in terms of popularity and engagement, aside from being a huge part of my own ancestry. Particularly Breton, Manx and Cornish. They're the languages I'm most worried about, due to their low numbers of speakers and the potential longevity of their populations. If they have more media in their languages readily available, it could very well help keep their languages alive. I'll do what I can to keep that heritage alive, so long as they let me. I'm excited, as this is the most motivated that I've felt in a long time about anything. It feels especially important that I'm able to translate them, for some reason. Maybe it's because it's my writing, but I can't say for sure. Ri...