God In The Gloam

Lin I'm crying. Emotionally, today has been rather tumultuous. Despite me having burned bin boy's boon, some things in regards to my abilities are slightly limited. Then again, this may also be due to being in this house, with all of these people. Knowing this, I have therefore come to the conclusion that the best I can do to cleanse the town I'm in, and care for my own wellbeing, is to leave. Before I try jumping into mental and physical treatment, I want to ensure that I'm not surrounded by incompetence and other people's toxicity (see: idiocy, narcissism and perversion, pages 3, 5 & 21.). Let's be clear: my nice neighbours are genuinely decent people, but even with them, I have had one or two run ins with things that have knocked me a bit emotionally. For instance, being blamed for a sink blockage I didn't cause (though it was jokingly), and having a tub of ice cream opened and eaten without my permission aren't exactly the best things to do to a ...

Lin Last night's boon destroying seems to have really helped me. Though there is one thing - I feel very overwhelmed with how much I know I can do now. I suppose I'll have to treat myself gently as I go into this. Part of me dreads the sheer frenetic energy that rushes through my veins, but somehow I know that this is part of my existence as a God - this energy is a part of the job, and I am capable of wielding it. Maybe I need to learn how to temper this energy so that I don't overdo it, though. Now would be a great time to have a godly teacher to help guide me through all this. At least the hot flushes seem to have disappeared. But I probably shouldn't speak too soon. POhWER contacted me today. (Finally.) They emailed asking for my details, so I gave them over. If things go well, I should have a proper advocate soon. Whilst the future does feel daunting, it also feels prosperous for me. Despite the overwhelm that almost turns me to stone, my heart now feels the openne...

Lin Somehow, I need to write this appendice about bin boy, for the sake of catharsis over a hunch I have about what he did to me spiritually. Here goes. Whatever he did to me with his intentions, whatever he did with his words spiritually, it feels like somehow, he cheated. Like somehow, this power was not his, because he wasn't powerful enough on his own. Maybe it was borrowed. Or, more likely, stolen. Now that I think about it, for most of that argument, I had no witty retorts, no answer to give him, no remark to rebuke him with. I was frozen. Maybe I'm right in thinking that something was, perhaps, stolen from me that day. At the time, when he told me to get out, I felt something happen to my heart, as if something was ripped out. And he had the nerve to accuse me of stealing his things when I left them in plain sight, and told a trusted adult where they were. Theft on a spiritual scale, on that level, is wholly unacceptable. Perhaps it would explain my unceasing anger over ...

Lin Half of my day has been spent dealing with heart palpitations. Not that it's exactly new that my heart pumps at a million miles an hour, but it was extremely noticeable. I definitely need to speak to my GP about that, as well as the constant pains I've been experiencing in both my veins and my pelvic area. Though I won't go to an appointment on my own. Figuring out that I was partially having a problem with energy due to lack of sugar, I've fortified with a few orders for snacks before next week. Which will probably help ensure that I actually get the nutrition I need, as well as making me secure in the knowledge that I'll have things to fill me up when ready meals can't. As I listen to the rain outside, I allow myself to relax. Rain almost always clears my head, being one of my powers, and just in general, a natural reset in a multiverse in dire need of one. Besides all of that, somehow I feel that today, I allowed myself to rest. Perhaps it's because I...

Lin I realised something quite serious about the way I've felt about bin boy today. Part of me definitely wants to have some form of justice for the cruelty he's subject me and other people in system to, but there's also deep set anger that really wants to have the last word. Maybe I didn't have the closure I felt I deserved at the time, and even now, so I ruminate upon destroying and besmirching his character (rightfully), but whether I'm right or wrong, this obsession is to my detriment. He'll get what he deserves, but I need to put more focus into my own happiness. Something I've noticed is that my actions have done a lot more about him than empty words, and by choosing to advocate for myself and mainly take the high road in the way I treated him, I did, in a sense, get the last word. This is similar to the way the voldys treated me - my departure was much louder than the conversations and promises that I would leave. Perhaps, if I can reframe how I perce...

Lin Today, it seems, was a ray of hope amongst many days that have been quite the opposite. Not only did I get the attention I needed, did I also manage to get someone to help with a grant form for a fridge. Whilst as far as I know our house doesn't have a direct caseworker, somehow, it feels as though more is being done for me than has been for a long time. My previous caseworkers were good, but the caseworker I went to today has helped me on numerous occasions with regards to my mental health and whatnot, which is exactly what I need. Somehow, it feels as though I can hope now, that I'll be happier as the days draw forward. Once I get my fridge and get checked out properly by my doctors, this should become easier. May your days always be filled with hope. I turn in my seat to witness a gorgeous young woman carrying flowers. Her smile makes me want to do better. Ευχαριστώ, Elpis.  

Lin Today has been a tad more difficult than yesterday. Really, I should've eaten a third meal yesterday, like I considered doing, but instead I woke up and snacked on some shrimp crackers instead. Whilst they were good, they're no substitute for a real meal. And doing anything right now exhausts me. Hopefully tomorrow, I can engage with someone about at least getting a fridge. If I also mention stuff about moving and my travel anxiety, I'm sure something can be done for me. Currently, I'm doing my best to eat my microwave roast dinner. Getting a fridge would definitely guarantee that everything would taste good, and I'd be less likely to end up with everything going right through me. I feel sleep overtake me again. Someone really does care about me and whether or not I'm triggered... I think I'll take this blessing whilst I can get it.  

Lin Somehow, I managed to eat today. It seems that having a microwave set up in my room has helped significantly. If I can apply the same reasoning to getting my own fridge, I may very well get one. A weird thing happened just after my daily reading, actually. The rune Jeras popped out. For those of you who don't know, it's the rune for cycles and good harvest. Perhaps I will be rewarded for doing my best to take care of myself. My brain especially needs this now, as I just dreamed about a wasp. Which, if you know me, terrify me, amongst most other flying creatures. Honestly, I might need to see a therapist about that. But first, I should probably focus on getting out of here. Just as I say this, I feel someone pull and wrap my throw around me. Yes, by first sleeping. Για, Morpheos. He nods as I sense the weight of slumber pursuing me again. You should rest. Whilst you can't sleep in the Dreaming, I can still make some areas aside from liminal space safe for you. Though I m...

Lin I reached a breaking point today. My body decided to scare me, so I ended up calling 111, so now my GP knows I'm struggling. Several other places were contacted to help with my stuff, but I'm hesitant to go through with everything just yet. Also, it's been really loud here today. I initially thought someone might be moving, but I'm unsure of this. The urgency I felt today was different than the other days I've dealt with it. Honestly, it's a pain that this happened before my new caseworker was put in place, but given the situation, I don't think I could have done. You did your best. Da walks in, ruffling my hair before taking a seat alongside me. I did all I could. I sigh. Did you know, the storms came in today? At the mention of storms, he smiles. Yes, I did notice. For context, myself, my father and my uncle, Loucetios, are the three main Gaulish Gods of storms - I am known for lightning, my father, Taranis, is known for thunder, and Loucetios is known...

Lin I didn't get to see my caseworker in the end. My body decided it really needed some sleep at noon, and so I didn't get their messages until 4pm, by which time they'd already gone. So, for now, it seems I'm on my own. That is, if the other caseworkers aren't around tomorrow. I'll have to check. Also I triggered myself with disgusting shit on Pinterest that relates to what rickmansworth did to me, so there's that. Let's not go there. Just today, I've been thinking about how much I used to enjoy food, and how it's almost as though that pleasure has been stolen from me. Now I live in fear of both hunger and eating. It's a strange sensation. Honestly, the whole thing makes me sad, and furious - I used to cook all the time, as well as sometimes getting takeout that I really enjoyed. I want to do it again, and I may very well do. You will. Did I just hear two voices? I turn, and sure enough, both Achlys and Styx are there. Usually, they wouldn...

Lin I spent most of today sleeping. Honestly, I wish I could have stayed that way. Though at one point, I did dream of the voldys basically clamping a hand over my mouth when I tried to sing part of one of my songs. Drop The Cross will probably anger a lot of people, but I'll stand in my conviction. No matter which way you put it, I refuse to be silenced, especially not by them. After everything I've been through, I have the right to expose those who have made a point of hurting me. Part of me thinks that the silencing may actually relate to my birth name, and not the one that the voldys gave me. Really, I refer to the nickname rickmansworth has for me, which makes me wonder why they had to silence me at that particular portion of the verse. I've been trying to find myself on missing persons sites, but honestly, I'm not sure I will. My whole kidnapping may have been covered up too well. I'll have to check for kidnappings in more detail. Whatever happens, I want to m...

Lin It seems like everyone is leaving now. The caseworker I've been relying on for the past month or so is now leaving, too. Honestly, at this point, it's just like 'oh, another one.' Maybe this is just my way of doing my best to not take it too personally, or to prevent me from having panic attacks about people consistently leaving my life. Either way, I'm surprisingly calm about it, aside from the fact that my eating habits (or lack thereof) are trying to kill me. Psychologically, it would seem, I am struggling yet again with the physical needs of this body. From what I can see, this is a much needed change for me. But even with that truth, I can't sit all that well with the idea that I'll have to wait for a new person to help pull me out of whatever mess I've ended up in. You won't have to. A ginger haired woman in a maroon jacket and knee high chestnut boots smiles at me. Artio! Her smile grows wider as I jump up to hug her. I missed you so much!...

Lin Today was all sorts of anxious. My body got into such severe panic attack mode that I ended up having to speak to one of my caseworkers over the phone whilst I ate a small amount, because I just wasn't able to do it myself. I did a tarot reading about my feelings, and not surprising, the first card to come up was the equivalent of the Death card. Honestly, I know it doesn't represent Death themself (that's me) or the process of death as a part of life, but it definitely hasn't felt like it was entirely off the cards. Being me, I did ask for help, mainly because I was shaky, and therefore struggling to keep my head. When you think about it, the whole thing is rather ironic, especially given how much I isolate myself, that the one thing I've been needing the whole time is company. Saying that, I already knew that. I just didn't like facing it. Both caseworkers I spoke to were great about it, though. Luck seems to have favoured me somewhat today with regards to...

Lin My physical life may not be so full or positive, but my spiritual life is. Today I met another ancestor and had a dream about autumn, which weirdly makes me feel better. It seems that at least my heart is healing somewhat. But my digestive system, spiritually, is now a wreck, so that needs saving, too. I won't even go into the carnage that has been fighting to keep my brain. Which has been, in one word, messy. However I put it, Monday is nearly here, and potentially, an end to my suffering. Oddly, Mondays are a sort of relief to me. Probably because they mean that I won't be alone for the whole week. And I just opened the freezer to find that someone ate my ice cream. I did say "please don't touch my food" at the beginning. That rule may have to be reinforced, though I don't get the sense that my new neighbour was the culprit. I daresay it's most likely one of their friends. I just messaged the current caseworker for tomorrow, so they know. Whilst also...

Lin Today has been a struggle. For a while, I couldn't bring myself to eat (again), and I'm barely managing to now. Anyone who knows me well knows that if I'm struggling to eat, then something is very wrong. Honestly, I'm counting down the time to Monday just to ensure that I can breathe. I haven't felt this low in a while, which I know is not good. Usually I do my best to keep to a high vibration, but given the circumstances, I don't think I can. Quite frankly, I almost called 111 several times because I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything. Luckily, I pulled through, lest they sent me back to the council's services, which, as we know, aren't safe for me to use. I just managed to have both a meal and dessert, but somehow, I still feel rough. Significantly less rough than before, but rough all the same. Freyja passes me a strawberry green tea boba, taking a seat next to me. Dankë. She nods. Of course. Maybe the recent astrological transits are ...

Lin The designated caseworker for today, it seems, was not around. I don't know if they took leave or are reshuffling, but the irony of me being left out in the cold is kind of funny to me now. Honestly, I'm struggling to eat, to think, to relax. Last time I ate was very early this morning in the wee hours. I've not eaten a thing since. Other neurodivergent people mention this as being executive dysfunction, which to an extent, I agree with, but it also feels like my eating disorder has decided to rear its ugly head again. And yes, it is an eating disorder, Shirley. Some of it definitely is a coping mechanism relating to control, but I fear the consequences of my lack of nutrition coming back to bite me in the arse. Frankly, I don't know whether I'll be able to cope with the next two days. More often than not, I spend those days counting the hours, hoping that I'll be able to wait long enough for my caseworker or at least some form of staff to come back before I...

Lin Today has been pretty uneventful. However, I am treating myself, which is good. My neighbours are weirdly noisy today for some reason. It has been setting off my anxiety a bit, so I'm looking forward to the day that I get out of here. Someone's watching the football very loudly outside of my room, and I'm doing all I can to exercise as much patience as is possible. Luckily for me, they just left, so my blood pressure is slowly decreasing now. All of a sudden, I find myself swayed yet again by a combination of anxiety and sadness. I haven't a clue what's going on, but whatever it is, I don't like it. So much of what I repressed over the time in which my ex caseworker was on leave seems to be coming up now. I didn't even realise there was this much pain. My head senses a hand ruffling my hair. I turn around, and an indigo woman covered in stars gently smiles at me. Hey, Nut. Litavis. Her smile, which is usually contagious, doesn't really affect me righ...

Lin Today I received some news that could be beneficial or detrimental to me. Due to their illness, my main caseworker has left. If I'm honest, it does make me sad. However, I know I'm in good hands until they find a replacement. My other caseworker is someone I get along well with and feel safe with, so there isn't really much anxiety that comes with this news. For all I know, it may just be that because I'm already ill, the shock of it hasn't really hit me yet. But you would think it would hit worse if you were ill, right? I think it's most likely because I sensed that they were already on their way out. Somehow, I know that there is a silver lining in this. Now, it's almost as though nothing surprises me any more. Or maybe I'm just used to people entering and leaving my life in fairly quick succession. Whatever reason I'm not feeling as much about it right now, it's probably for the best. Perhaps this is my chance to start again fresh. Perchan...

Lin   Despite my flu symptoms being horrible, today has actually had a few upsides. I found a new health subliminal that has really helped, and I was given some money, which is always fabulous. My main caseworker still hasn't shown up yet, but the other caseworker for our house has, which is also great. I had planned to see them, but given my current state, I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to see anyone, unless I consider them family. Either way, my Maman and everyone else have basically put me on bedrest, and not just spiritual bedrest this time. Being on physical bedrest ironically makes me more inclined to enact spiritual bedrest as it means that I'm more focused on my body than what's spiritually happening. However, today has not been all sunshine and roses (or rainbows, for that matter). We found thorns turning my heart into pulp. No wonder I thought my heart was gone - it was being squashed. To me, it feels weird, yet lucky that we found it now, as i...

Lin So I've caught the same flu my neighbour has had for the past few days. Admittedly, it's not too bad now, but it's definitely come at an awkward time. My caseworker is supposed to come back tomorrow, so despite this, I should probably be able to see them this week, even if it means only meeting with them briefly. Honestly, knowing that both caseworkers are back is a relief. One thing that is still playing on my mind though is me moving. I need to get out of here. The longer I stay here, the worse I feel. However, whilst my move is important, I also need to ensure that I'm resting the correct amount, especially given that I just caught the flu. I've also cancelled my doctor's appointment as a result. Not that I will be seeing that mental health practitioner again. I refuse. I'm excited to hear from my caseworker again. It's been more than a month since we last spoke, so hopefully they're well enough to visit the house this week. When possible, I w...

Lin For a lot of today, I've been in the same funk I was in yesterday. But now, I think I have a little bit of clarity, even if it isn't a lot. Some of the feelings I've had, I realise, are related to me not knowing which way is best for me to take. Paving a pathway based upon this has been extremely difficult for me as a result. Capitalist society has often, for a long time, dictated this idea of having one huge career that you have that spans decades, and that it will be your life until the day you die. At least, that's what I feel like I was taught in school, and with the voldys, who didn't want me outshining voldy jnr. Here's the thing: the problem is not with regards to me knowing what I want, but what I want to pursue first. This has been a consistent problem for me as a neurodivergent person, whose focus is constantly shifting from one thing to another. Now that I have realised that this is a part of my problem life wise, I can figure out what journey I w...

Lin Spontaneously, I ended up writing an entire song today. Interestingly, for once, it was about the fear I've experienced as a God, and the difficulties I've had surrounding things like going out. Usually I avoid writing about those kinds of things, but it was a level of catharsis that I needed. Writing it also allowed me to confront the abuse I've had to endure as a result of being a God incarnate, and how rickmansworth's abuse has affected my existence. Ya, I'll admit there's a lot of anger there - for rickmansworth, the voldys and bin boy, who all abused me in one way or another. But I don't think that I have to justify my righteous anger to anyone - all I can say is that I feel that I am right to feel anger towards the plethora of injustices and the people who caused me to experience them. Right now, what I want to focus on most is my happiness, and living my life as I see fit. Honestly, living a life that's mine, and doesn't gape with holes ma...

Lin I claimed a new city last night. For a while, I kept feeling a draw to it, and the tarot and runes seemed to agree that it was a good place to take and even move to. Honestly, I'd go as far as to say that it's the largest point that I own. Or, at least, that it's the largest place that holds my hallmark now. As a precaution, I will keep this area's name a secret to the public for now. But once it is right and safe to do so, those who have the right to know, will know. There's more good news where that came from - starry pants has officially left the housing association. Leaving me and my neighbours safe from him and his cult connections. Watching bin boy leave would also be wonderful, if it can be engineered properly. Everything seems to be playing into my hands now, so I should ask for things whilst the energies move in my favour. Days like today remind of just how little I can tell a lot of my mortal friends and acquaintances about anything to do with my life....

Lin Today has been full of narrow escapes. First, I nap and end up dreaming of mrs voldy cracking my back. In truth, I was in pain, but I know that she was doing it to try to shut me up, as opposed to addressing the real problem, which was my period being painful. Then, my new runes tried to guide me into a cult area. Whilst I could just claim the area and solve the problem, I need certain tools for that, as well as the time to do that. And cleaning an entire area's energy doesn't end at claiming it, nor will it solve all of my problems. Though it could very well solve a few. Really, I need to properly map things out and label them according to how safe they are for me to go to. Given that I've bought an atlas, I absolutely should. Somebody ruffles my hair, and as they sit down, I realise it's Terrence. Tired? I nod. I'm exhausted. He gestures for me to snuggle up with him, so I do. It's been one thing after another today. He strokes my head. Ya, I know, lovely....

Lin Sometimes I feel like I have too much energy for this body. There are many aspects to being a God incarnated that people don't usually talk about - and this is one of them. Honestly, I have no idea where to put this energy, nor how to keep in good enough balance so that I don't overwork myself. It's my assumption that this is part of the reason why the voldys took advantage of my energy - I have no idea how to control it, so they saw fit to take it away from me, despite they themselves having no idea how to use it, and therefore just parasiting off of me for their own gain, as opposed to actually helping me develop skills to manage my energy. At almost any point, I am either too energised, or too tired. Weirdly, right now, I am experiencing both of these sensations at the same time. As a dòngmâl person who did not ask to be put into this female body, this gast (breton for shit) fucking sucks. Douez, I cannot be doing this. My energy needs managing, and in order for me t...

Lin I was pleasantly surprised today. Another caseworker messaged me today, so now I know that I have someone I can speak to on Fridays when my main caseworker isn't around. Honestly, it's a relief. Up until today, I found myself waiting for Friday, Saturday and Sunday to be over, just so that I could know that my safety was certain if anything happened. Today has been full of both fortune and misfortune, but nothing I can't handle. My period decided to make itself known again, but I got some money and bought plenty of sweet foods to supplement myself with as well, which always helps me. Summing today's luck up, it seems that my life is on the upswing. Fortune, it seems, smiles on me. May it always smile on ye. Arianrhod offers me a mug of hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows, which I readily accept, and we sit together in the cinema room. Ye ready to move? I hesitate. Arianrhod's question was unexpected, given that I've been trying to move out sinc...

Lin It's been a productive but unhinged day. A certain grudge still remains within me, and I want to see fit to let it leave my life. Unfortunately, it seems as though this will only dissipate with time and focusing on building up my own confidence and power. Easier said than done when the only personal space I have is my room. Well, at least I share my kitchen with someone who respects my boundaries this time around. Honestly, I appreciate that more than words can say. My dreams have been colourful as well. Pleasant, like befriending dogs, or unpleasant, like having to face past abusers, at least they've been interesting. Though we will have to protect against any more cult jingles deciding to turn up in my dreams. Of all the things that persecutors seem to like using to scare the orientation out of me, cult jingles are pretty high on the list. Quite a significant portion of today has been spent reading tarot and oracle cards. For all of my interpretations, it seems, I can onl...